my blloorrg

stupid12/12/24

found out my friend is gonna got to the samr community college i was planning on going to and i dont know what to do anymore i never wanted to see any of my high school friends again after high school like I've been waiting for this for years yhe day i finally get to move on vut now i dont know what to do she said she was originally going to go to a different one and even called my pick for college basic so i thought i was safe in regards to never seeing my friends again but oh well i guess its to be expected since its a community college but still i was so happy thinking i could finally mive on from middle school and fulfill the hopes of my younger self cleanly and naturally by parting ways after graduation but no i dont really have a conclusion for this is just dont know what to do anymore i just wanted to go somewhere without them and live the rest of my life more accurately start the rest of my life i have spent the past 5 years recovering from middle school and trying to fix and build myself into someone i was happy with and i have theres still things to recover from that will tame years but i like myself and i dont want to look back and that includes breaking away from my friends and like aside from a genuine desire to not see them again because of thibgs that happened i also kinda want new friends not in a im not satisfied way but like high schools almost over i wabt to mive on into the rest of my life even if that leaves me with no friends at all idk

i feel like im only saying this because of my one friend deciding to go to the same community college as me which feels slightly mean and im ok with anyone thinking i am its between me and god no one needs to know how the last 6 years of my life have shaped me and how much middle school impacted me it matters to me alone, but also this friend feels like the obly one in my friend group who'd want to keep in touch after high school like she knows where i live and has said she'd come to my house like jokingly that "you cabt escape" blahblahblah like its a joke but god i dont have any othwr words to describe other than disgust like i hate it so much again this is all just me issues and me venting its hard to describe but yea i dont know i feel like she'd want to continue being friends and would want to interact at college like i was looking forward to graduating so much because its a clean way to say goodbye to everyone with the assumption you're not gonna see them again but now that know sigh

i feel like i have to keep saying i know its stupid or mean or whatever but at the same i time i dont care i dont care enough to give context or care enough to try and explain myself im just venting because my plans for after school have just been shaken due to one thing and i have no where else to put my thoughts like what i want is the chance to start over without anything weighing me down and to me one of my friends being in the same building as me after high school is enough to shatter that i guess whatever man

GYAAAAAA SHUT UP11/13/24

i cant take it anymore i just wish i didnt have to hear peoples conversations during class i just wish i could drown it out itstresses me out theyre annoying the things they talk about ouh my god but noooooo i cant do anything because i cant breathe when i listen to things with headphones at school

i don know why this happens its been a thing for at least a year i cant listen to music or watch videos with my headphones because i genuinely cant breathe i stop breathing and cant start or regulate my breathing it hurts. i remeber trying to look it up but i was left with a "your fucked" kinda situation as in i couldnt find a concrete cause nor a solution. i cant just wear headphones because i can still hear relatively well. PLEASE if ANYONE knows ANYTHING that could help me im begging you i just want a quiet place to be i dont want to ask to work outside because 1) its cold 2) draws attention to me 3) they probably wouldnt let me

today i felt so bad i started feeling nauseous just because of things i herad people talking about earlier. the main source of that were rumors about one of my teachers and i was feeling terrible all day because of it. th epeople who were talking about it usually arent in the room i work in for that period but STILL AAAUUGHHJG everything i hate listening to everything like today i also heard one of the people who sit near me in my web design class say they had an art project or something and they were gonna generate ai art and just draw that for it and the same group has talked about just using ai for everything before. in my biology class on a day when we had a sub, a group of students like across multiple tables were talking about trans people and sort of shitting on us like saying "dont misgender them or they'll go all crazy on you" and one of them was talking about finding out a student(? at our school?) was trans and it was so ouuugahhhg and the sub was joining in on it too he said some dumb shit like "they should make an lgbt sandwhich at subway becaus eof all the letters hehehgehah" like omfg grow up yknow i always forget its really like this in most places because i live in california and it feels nie until you remeber it isnt. those are some of th eusual shit i hear but afte rth eelection ive felt so much worse ive heard people talking about other students voting for trump as a joke or for reasons they clearing didnt put much effort into or they dont care about the election and just do things because their mom likes them, as well as just generally feeling uncormfortable like there was jusdt a miserable energy a week following th election

all of thi sto say please i need to have headphones i need to be able to breathe woth them on i cant take it anymore i just want silence. th eonly remedies i can think of include bring tea or coffee and blanket too sooth me but i dont want to have to make drinks to go everyday and im not bringing a blanket. also just general stress like worrying about how i look has absolutely fucked me up this week its litterally only been 2 days of school so far but good god. at home ive been listening to calmer, this probably doesnt describe it well but somber songs + edgy amv material songs and i will be aoba listening to music posing post hast. id love to at school but GYRRYYYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

again if anyone knows anything about not being able to breathe while wearing headphones in certain places please let me know like even my therapist didnt know anything last year aaaaaaaaaaaaaauggggggggggggjhjgui

get me out11/4/24

honestly i just realized ive never had a place to vent my frustration or irritation or anger before ive just had to keep it bolted up becaus ei cant tell my mom, my irl friends, i cant post it on my instagram story because my irl and online friends follow me there, i really only have hear and i have got to utilize it more or else ill explode ive been bottling up things for years with no outlet. having to do damage controis 1000% more exhasting than keeping it to mysel fis what i tell myself, having to clarify what i mean, people thinking im talking about them when im not, and if i am talking about them telling them i dont really think its a big deal/hate them for it/whatever because i genuinely dont want them to feel bad about whatever iim talking about.

third blog post of the day wow the first one today wasin the mornign before school and now this one is at night. i cant stand being at lunch with my firends its so loud i thought it wouldnt be that bad but the moment lunch started i wanted to die. i just have to start going somewhere else at this point. still wherever i go there'll be noise. i defininately need noise cancelling headphones or something. i dont have an ipod so a couple weeks ago i brought my psp and headphones to school to listen to music with and it was so nice, that day we had an earthquake drill so we were out on the field and it was cold and cloudy and not too loud and i wish it could be like that forever. but listening to music for too long can make me nauseous + i dont always want to listen to music + i cant breathe when i listen to musi cwith headphones at school, its gotten better but its still hard.

i hope it rains soon. i dont want to be there anymore, i dont want to be home anymore. everywhere i look there noise and people and things everywhere. i just dont want to do it anymore. i want to completely shut myself off from everyone and live peacefully. i've started drinking more tea because of running out of coffee, and the way i have to make coffee changing a lot within th epast months+i wanted to drink less asnyways, and its been nice. i think i'll try taking some to school maybe bringing my headphones but not lisening to anything. i just dont want to be here anymore. i thought i caould make it to the end of senior year when i'll naturally never have to see my friends or anyone i know at school again but i want it now. i hope i can find some silence somewhere

i just need to run away from it all. i just need one place where i can go

i google it on her search bar til i find the answer to my query 11/4/24

GOD i really wish people tried doing things themselves sometimes. i get a lot of pirating, coding, whatever requests because i priate a lot. this is all because i know how to serch. how do i search? i look things up on google dot fucking com. i pride myself on my abilty to search for things. various files, goatbed lyrics, game downloads, mostly anything because im willing to look things up and scroll. i do not find this part hard. but i understand not know where to start. when i didnt klnow where to start i looked things up so sometimes im at a loss when some people seem like they havent even tried looking it up. like im honored that people turn t me for pirating stuff because some things can be hard to find, but fo rthe love of god you cant possibly need me for every little thing right. i just wish peole tried developing heir problem solving skills more. like the ability to think about the problem instead of immidately asking for help. im sure they dont "immidately" ask for help but you get the point. it pisses me off a little too when theyre older than me. like idk ANYWAYS considering we have endless knowlage in the palmsof our hands in teh shape of phones, i just wish people looked things up more. you could make a case for why its harder now with ai but i still think people are smart enough not to stop at the ai google summary. at least i hope.

i dont mean to sound mean im just venting about something ive kept inside for months. i think being able to solve problems on your own is an extremely important skill to have. and im not saying you have to be able to fins a solution, just that you have to try until you know its out of reach. i've mainly been talking about stuff in regards to pirating and requests i get on instagram but i can kindddd ooof...? say the same for html and css. html and css is a lot harder than downloading a game and im not complaining about any questions i ge about my site, im just want to encourage learning how to look at things and being able to reproduce it. ive been coding since i was 10 and since then ive always been thinking in how i could recreate thinsg in different type sof code. id look at a game and think about how i could do it in simple psuedo code and i do the same for websites nowadays. my home page psp video isnt really original idk how many people have done it with a psp but the concept of an image or video over an image of a device is pretty common? idk. so whenever i came across the first site i saw doing it i went "oh thats cool i could do thaqt by putting a yoytube embed over a pic of my psp." when making the psp i decided i wanted multiple videos that can be clicked through and since i didnt know how to do that i looked up "slideshow html css" and got the answer from w3schools. looking at sites and thinking about how you can recreate things is definately a fun exercise id recomend to anyone looking for inspiration or practice with html and css. a lot of html and css for me comes down to "fucking around and finding out" so when people treat my pages liek magic its nice but it would make me happy if others knew they could do it too.

honestly dont have a conclusion to this post it was very spontaneous because i was in the middle of watching all about lily chou chou but had to answer a question about the psp, and then i looked on my homepage and noticed the music playercontrols were broken, and got extremely mad because you couldnt copy and paste the fast forward and backwards buttons becauser they turned into emojis, and i was looking at the already outdated tutorial page for the music player, and my tea was getting cold becasue i was so mad i forgot about it which mad me even madder, so i couldnt continue lily chou chou without getting this out. sorry if its messy im not looking back on any of this LMAO i will make a tutorial for my psp video player though hopefully soon

whatever 11/4/24

i just want to stop talking to people all together. i dont want to speak to my firends anymore. if i dont do anything i cant embarrass myself. thats something i've ingrained into myself since 7th grade. i always say that i wont do/say anything but i usually end up doing it. i feel bad whenever i mention any of my interests l;ike lamento or just talk to my friends at school. i just want to go to school in silence and not have to see them because i know at least one of them will try to talk to me and i wont feel like talking and the more i stay silent the more they try to talk to me. i just want to enjoy the fall and holiday season. the moment it became november i started feeling it again, listening to the wind blow outside as i woke up to a bright sun at 7am, and listening to the heater kick in while im making breakfast. i just want to stay home and watch movies while i drink tea. at school i just want to exist in silence, and be surrounded by it. i dont want to hear peoples' conversations, i dont want to try and talk to my club adviosr for him to get irritated. i couldnt really avoid my friends fully since i sit next to some of tehm in my first and last class, and now that i have my club advisor's class before lunch i stay in his room. i could just leave when lunch starts but i think my firends have classes near by, i could still just leave tho. still even if i go somewhere else it'll be noisy. i probably won't do any of taht because its incpnvenient and becasue my firend might ask quetsions and i dont want to answer any of them. i dont want to talk to any of them. i always say i wont talk about myself or my interest self too much because i feel bad but i probably will.

mmmmmmmmmmmmmm quessssttioning 10/29/24

recently ive been pondering over whether or not im a schizoid... always felt apathetic to diagnoses but szpd is the only one i really relate to. i only learned about it a few months ago i remember scrolling on tumblr and reading a post a thought was relatable and looking at the tags ansd seeing "schizoid" and clicking on it and scrolling for like an hour and looking it up and seeing shit i actually related to. i'm neurodivergent i know that for sure but i've never been diagnosed with anything besides just depression anxiety whatever. online i've been called autistic more times than i know of, usually as a story reply on instagram when i posted dmmd rants or vents but i've never really felt that connected to it. its more of like "if i have it then ok, if i dont ok, i don't really care unless i get diagnosed or something." i'm the type of person who wouldn't think something is different/abnormal with myself unless someone shoved it in my face. this applies to mental things but also physical stuff #1 self gaslighter. i'll always be like"ehhh not enough to call myself that/do something about it." anyways looking and learning about szpd was the first time in idk how long where i genuinely felt a connection. and would you look at that szpd and autisti traits can overlap a lot of the time! the only thing i don't think or know if i've felt is the day dreaming stuff which seems to be one of the most crucial aspects which made me hold off a bit in a "its too good to be true way" "theres no way you actually fit the descriptions of a personality disorder" "blahblahblah" so i leave that alone for a while.

cant remember when but i see a screenshot of a tweet where its like "me: i wish i had a bf > me: *gets bf* wow this sucks" and then a quote tweet from the same person saying "hey remember this turns out im a schizoid lol" and i was like YES YES THATS EXACTLY IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" I HATE ALL AFFECTION DIRECTED TOWARDS ME online and irl i hate it when people have crushes on me i hate when people touch me at all i hate it when people give me gifts for 2 reasons. 1 is i just feel bad like if its a birthday or christmas gifts i kinda feel bad for asking for it or someone getting me something because i feel like i wont return the favor properly because of a lack of interest in them, like i dont wnat any affection to be unbalanced because i'll feel bad about anything i'll get. and 2) if its like a not normal gift giving occasion and its just a random gift i hate that because it makes shit unbalanced even more!!!!! what am i supposed to do knw i wasnt thinking about getting you something it just wasnt on my mind i hate it when people go out of their way. ANYWAYS I HATE ALL OF THAT BUT WANT IT SOOOOOOOOOOO BAD i've previously written here about wanting an impossible scenario but always regretting it. intimacy will always be something ill want either just for stimulus reasons might be nice to kiss or yank that thang asunder idk.. or because i wnat someone to understand me and i play all these nitro+chiral games and everyone ends up happy with thier twink of choice and i start crying. regardless its all impossible i dont like physical affection, i dont like any displays of affection, i dont like giving people affection. i've always been bad at complementing, comforting, wanting to spend time with people, whatever. i would never want to make someone go through a relationship with me, i would never want them to be shut out again

ex: in 4th grade i asked my best friend at the time to get "friendship married" this worked out because we both liked each other a lot but after we did she wanted to hold hands and say/do all these affectionate stuff and i immediately realized i didnt like it and wanted to get "friendship marriage divorced" the next day. we were still friends it was just the marriage stuff but since that point every time she was affectionate at school or at paydates i always hated it or didn't know how to react. she ended up moving and switching schools a year later after 5th grade and are parents set up a messaging thing in the texting app for kids and we talked, but after a while i started not wanting i just didn't feel like talking anymore. it wasn't anything she did and i didn't dislike her, but i just stopped talking and ghosted her. the end of 5th grade was when i realized a lot of things as i kinda started transitioning/developing my current self like i stopped wanted to hang out with friends at their house or do playdates or attend birthday parties, i just prefered to stay at home, i didn't really like talking through text or doing things that i'd have to go out of my way for like anything that wasn't at school. overall i just didn't have an interest in doing any of those things. it might have just been growing up but i still dont like going out of my way most of the time with irl friends, i've done things with them outside of school and texted on instagram and discord, but overall i haven't that much.

anyways an ideal world for me would be some kind of relationship without any kind of commitment, perhaps someone just loving me for who i am and not expecting anything, or maybe just doing everything themselves. that wont work either aaaaaaaaaaughjgghggj one of my best online friends has done so much and has supported me through so much throughout the past year or two and i just feel so bad about it.

overall, i crave, yet, i am equally, if not more, appalled by romantic relationships. even if i didnt feel disgusted by any of this i still wouldnt want to be in a relationship because i feel disgusting because of middle school shit and cant even imagine hugging or being physically close with anyone because i'd just feel liek literal shit. BUT ANYWAYSYYS this litle tweet kinda ignited my desire to know if i had szpd or not and it kinda ended up like before where i thought about it a lot but still doubted myself because i always will. SKIP TO NOW i was on tumblr once more and saw a post on why towa from slow damage might be a schizoid and it was a very nice post. as i was reading, my heartbeat was irregular and as i was seeing how szpd connected to towa i was connecting it with myself at the same time. towards the end of the post it brings up the "master/slave" dynamic in szpd relationships and stopped to read an extended post about it and oh my god that is literally what i wanted THATS IT i wanted a relationship with no commitment what so ever from me if anything a relationship where someone used me as much as they liked without expecting much from me is what i wanted. because i'd feel terrible about not providing anything in a relationship i would just prefer if someone didnt want anything to do with me on an intimate level if that makes sense. that combined with my guilt for other things in life and masochistic tendencies would form an ideal relationship for me. one that requires no effort on my part.

yea so here i am now and whats changed? NOT MUCH every time i find out something about szpd the more i relate to it but i'll always doubt myself. i want to talk to people sometimes. most of the time i dont talk to unless spoken to (both online and irl) but i've been the president of my schools anime club for 3 year sand i talk to people in there but also if my friends arent there for a meeting i'll probably be quiet. and a bunch of other things that make me doubt myself too like the day dreaming stuff i mention before and some other details. i know everyone is different and personality disorders appear in people in different ways but yea. AND some of it could possibly be explained through masking but yea BUT ALSO i was reading what caused peoples' szpd earlier and neglect as a child is one of the reasons and AUAGAJAGH i have a single mom and no siblings so its just been me and her (since my grandma died) and when i was in middle school 6-7th grade she got a job that made it so she was bearly at home sometimes i'd only see her once in the morning getting ready for school and then this uber but for kids service would take me home and then i wouldn't see her until the following morning, repeat that for most of middle school. i was home alone most of the time and until lock down happened due to covid i rarely saw her and felt kinda disconnected with her, combined with some other stuff. because my mom was single and was working hard throughout my life i always felt bad when i was super young. for simple things like not cleaning my room or eating 1 more piece of bacon than her i felt super bad . i never knew how to react or handle whenever she was upset (not at me like when she was stressed or cried on rare occasions) so i'd just stand there. i never developed comforting skills or really how to respond to stuff like that so i just felt distanced. i kinda kept to myself idk if thats how you describe it but i dont think i'd complain much and kinda just constricted myself in multiple ways. when my grandma died when i was6, i didn;t really feel sad i didn'y really care. it wasnt because i disliked her or didn't fully comprehend death, it just kinda happened. i didnt care for much of my relatives besides my mom and 2 aunts. i still dont and as a get older i long for the day i dont have to interact with them again.

honestly no matter what it'll always be a constant back and forth between whether i have szpd or not and i don think i'll be seeing a psychiatrist anytime soon. i dont really know who to ask for things like this. maybe i'll just keep it open forever because i dread the possibility i dont actually have it at alll. that me not liking talking to people or affection or doing anything for other people just has no explanation. that i'm not as nice as people see me as, that im not just shy, i dont want to talk. that the people i talk to arent the exception or special, that they wont gain my affection by trying harder to win me over because i have nothing to give. i cant give anyone anything because i have no interest in it. if thats the case, i cant let anyone attempt to get close to me because i'll feel bad about shutting them down but know the more we talk i'll just wish i had never met them. if thats the case i'll just keep withing for the impossible scenario of a relationship with no effort. if thats the case am i really just mean or uncaring. i've always hated when people fail to understand me when i say i dont want to talk or they try to do things to make me feel better because im not sad, i dont need *you* specifically, this is just how i am. i've considered just stating that i dont want to talk on some places online but part of me stills likes interecting with people and would hate to get rid of any other chances

in conclusion i guess, this was less of me just wondering about diagnosises, but more of me just wanting something to relate to or blaim on or an explaination for everything. its rare i find something i relate to like this so i just want to know if theres hope ig or if i am just alone. with that being said WHAT THE FUCK DO I DO HELP ME HOW SHOULD I FIGURE THIS OUT times lik these really make me want to add a comment section widget on here so i can get help and discuss things with people

I FUCKING LOVE UMPCs10/14/24

SOOOOOOOOOOOOO a little while after the lamento laptop arrived.... i soon discovered another one while on pinterest..... but this time its significantly smaller.... THATS RIGHT IT STHE FUJITSU FMV BIBLO LOOX U50XN YEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

I've been interested in design for a while now and that includes old technology i LOVE looking at how unique and varied old tech used to be specifically from the late 90s-late 00s like tech designs for computers, phones, music players, etc used to be so detailed and cool.. Nowadays things like phones and computers generally look the same and are more minimalist which is AAAAAAAAUGH anyways While looking at old tech on pinterest around mid september.. I came across a picture of a laptop that could fit in the palm of your hand..... the screen could do a 180 and fold o the keyboard..... fingerprint recognition technology..... it was beatuiful.. adorbable......... i was immediately obsessed with it and after doing some research I found out it was the Fujitsu Fmv-biblo loox u50x/v, or as it was referred to internationally, the Fujitsu lifebook u1010!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(half of this blog post was written a couple of weeks ago for a teacher so heres context )this extremely tiny laptop is what is referred to as a UMPC(ultra mobile personal computer) and they're some of my favorite pieces of old tech. i believe some are still made today but they mainly embody the parts of design i like besides appearances... functionality and how to balance aesthetics and practicality.... i love seeing how technology progressed in the 80s-2000s and UMPCs are reflective of that. They were made because people needed a computer that was portable and small before iPhones became the standard.

because this post is so long im gonna make some of it collaspable

the bidding war

With all of that in mind i knew i needed it because i loved how stupid it looked im sorry but the chokehold it had on me was fucked.i was looking on buyee and when i saw an auction for an u50x/v on Yahoo Japan I knew I had to try bidding. The starting price was $42 in usd and since I didn't think many other people would be interested I bidded at the starting price. The bid was set to end around a week from then so I waited... After a few days I got an email saying i had been outbidded. i was about to kill myself i was shocked and angry that someone would dare try and take the u50x/v away from me.... i decided to wait until the auction was about to end to rebid. on september 22th during the last 15 hours of the auction when i decided to bid again i was planning on waiting for the last 10 minutes but decided to try then in case whoever bidding wasn't as serious as i was. I was outbidded within a few hours again. FFUUUCCCHK Despite my rage I waited until the last 10 minutes as planned and at 5:00am on september 23th i bid again and was outbidded in literally under a second after I placed the bid ARE YOU FUCKING FOR REEAAAALLLL This time i immediately started rebidding but every time I clicked the confirm option after putting in the bid it would say “place bid higher than the current amount” because the price had already gone up before I could confirm my bid HOOWWWW HOW Yahoo Japan has an auto extend feature which will extend the auction if someone bids 5 minutes before it ends and it ended up being extended for at least 10 minutes because me and whoever was bidding against me wouldn't stop. I finally managed to place a bid and by the time it was done the price had gone up to $77 usd. dawg. dawg. There were 6 minutes until the bid ended but it continued to stay silent. It finally ended and I was the winner. I ended up having to pay $30 more than originally intended but thats fine with me.... i had it.... i had the fmv bbiblo loox u50x/v..... fuchk...

delivery despair

after i won i had to wait a few days for buyee to get it from the seller get it to the warehouse etc and until then you dont know h eexact shipping price... a few days past and i was able to choose the shipping method and it ended up being $40 good fucking god i hope you know i was not happy or proud about this but i wouldnt let the u50x/v go no matter what so i got it and it said it would arrive in a week or 2

so while the bidding was in process i actually bought one more thing off of buyee mercari it was a lamento stage play t shirt and it was so fucking cute and it was purchased a few days before i won the u50x/v so it came earlier but there was an issue it got put in retention because no one was home to sign for it. it was my firs time dealing with anything related to shipping and overseas shipping on top of that and i talked about it with my mom and she said we'd get a note so we could reschedule a delivery and we got it and so i did i set it for the following day. it did not come the folowing day. and since that day was a saturday it couldnt come the next day either because it would be a sunday and theyre closed on sundays. but it did arrive on monday and i love it i cant wait to wear it places

ANYWAYS th u50x/v was supposed to arrive around then and on the followinf night or i guess morning since i was up at 1am playing twisted wonderland i look at the package tracking and see that IT GOT PUT IN RETENTION!?!?!??! WE DIDNT EVEN HEAR IT GET DELIVERED WE WERE HOME it was around 8pm when i went to sleep and neither myself or my mom heard any knocks or anything so we could sign. when morning came we got the notice but this timeit was in the mailbox without anything written on it with the tshirt it had the package info address reason for retention etc filled out but the u50x/v had nothign so yea my mom said to just wait but oouuuaaghhg

on tuesdays i have club so i have to wait an hour for school to end because i get out an hour early so i usually just sit on a bench and while i was waiting i got a scam text about a pack and that sen me over the edge i asked my mom if we could go to the post office and she said we could so we did we asked the guy at the counter what the notice meant and he said that the package was on the truck and would be delivered tomarrow. it did not get delivered the following day. or the next day or the next and i was stressed about it. i didnt have much to do on those days so i was mainly just thinking about the 850x/v and did cry a few times because above all else i just wanted to know where it was if it was on a truck or in the post office somehwere and yea. asked my mom if we could go to the post office again on that saturday(october 12th) and we did and THANK GOT IT WAS THERE WE LEFT WITH THE PACKAGE WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO ALL MY TEARS AND MONEY WELL SPENT YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA ITS SO CUTE ITS ADORABLE GYAAAAAAAAAAAA GYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
it turns out its actually the fmv biblo loox u50xn not u50x/v it says so on the keyboard ig the seller and i mistook it for the u50x/v which makes sense because theyre basically the exact same thing ANYWAYS i watched several review/overviews so i already knew what to expect like controls feature etc

-you control the mouse with the thing on the top tight of the keyboard and the left and right mouse click buttons are the silver ones on the top right it might be hard to see
-it runs windows vista home premium and the system language is in Japanese i cabt change it unless i download and install English which is ok for now im used to operating games and software jn Japanese learning through brute force has always been my specialty and its been easy to operate so far
-looked in windows media player and the media center and it actually came with some songs and videos i have no idea if they were added by the previous user but i listened to some Beethoven and watched a video about fish in the Caribbean both were very nice hehe
-runs very well which makes sense since its doing what it was designed to do (compared to the inspiron running windows 10) and the mouse controls are pretty ok im fine using them but they might be hard to get used to at first. i actually plugged in a regular mouse for a little but and i like using that too
-ordered a double sided usb cable so i can plug it into my pc and transfer files. definitely want to add wallpapers, definitely want to try putting lamento on there, saw someone play original ff7 on one of these and ive been meaning to play it so i might test that out, DEFINITELY want to put goatbed songs on there hopefully i have enough storage for all of that
-ABSOLUTELY want to add keychains to it i can add some with a headphone jack keychain but i dont have any charms to put on it i really want lamento ones or togainu ones or naitou kun or just chiral in general so maybe I'll get those at some point

overall i love it very much its so cute huzzah. might write more about umpcs and older tech at some point idk needless to say i will not be buying things online for a little bit

LAMENTO LAPTOP 9/15/24

soooooo i've wanted a laptop for a while nyow for 2 main reasons 1) it'll let me work on things while away from my desk/pc so i could work on things like this site or rainmeters or whatever while at school or just 2 feet away from my desk on my couch! and 2) because i want to play lamento while in bed or couch or whatever anywhere comfortable i've just been dying to lamento and other games but somewhere cozy and my absolute ultra dream would be to get it on my psp one day and i was studying romhacking and its a complecated thing so it wont happen any time soon so the next best thing is a laptop.

SO I BOUGHT ONE A FEW DAYS AGO!!!!!!!! and it was my first purchase with amy debit card yayyyy!!! ive had the card for a little while but it wasnt activated yet and i decided i wanted my first purchase with it to be something like hmmmm idk the dell inspiron 1525 with windows 10!!!!? i wanted a laptop that could at the very very least run lamento so i had a good amountof things i could choose from. I wanted it to be an older one because i liek how they look + theyre cheaper than a modern bestbuy laptop so i scrollled for hours on ebay and settled on a dell inspiron 1525 WITH wondpws 10 for $54.95 + $11.45 shipping (dont tell me if this is a shit deal my mental state will shatter forever and you will be responsible let me rest in peace) to me it felt good. i was considering getting one with windows vista or a lower version but windows 10 semmed the most safe. i talked to my mom about it technically i didnt have to since its my debit card and i should be able to decide shit for myself but i am what is commonly refered to as a pussy and since it was a big purchase for my first one it was probably for the best. anyways i got it and a few days later (yesterday) it arrived!!

side note if you know me from instagram you would know i pirate everything i have pirated every nitro+chiral game i own and owe them $315 as well as most games i have and wjatevers on my psp this is because ive never been able to do online shopping before since i didnt have any type of card or accpunt like paypall debit whatever and i feel bad asking my mom for things even if i pay for them with paper money. there wasnt really a point to this segment i just thouight it was fun because the lengths i go to to get games nowadays can be traced back to when i was 7-8 and realized how limited my digital shit was without certain thigs and over the years i learned how to get things and do things etc and for me its just kinda crazy tracing it all back to when i was lonely playing minecraft pocket edition by myself and wishing i had a gaming pc and other things i now im able to buy things online myself

here it is its a lot bigger than i expected lmao 😭😭thats on me for not really paying attention to the screen size but its not that big of a deal (yes it is) anywayyyyyys took awhile to set everything up because it was fighting for its life one thing thats different with a laptop compared to a pc is how when its one my lap i can feel it gasp for breath as it overheats lmao like dont worry buddy you'll get through this i know you can. and that sdefinately to be expected seince the 1525 is OLD SUPER OLD 2008 OLD but it eventually it calmed down it was just tired after being asleep all these years (talking to dell inspiron 1525) right buddy right little guy dont worry youre doing great i love youu

after i few hours i was able to watch a twitch stream while playinhg lamento and the cpu was 40 and under with it spiking at 60 at the most usually and thats fine for me since i probably wont be watching too many streams on there and more importantly LMAENTOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO LAMENTO i got it to work i had uploaded a few things to my google drive to download on the laptop like one of my rainmeters th ewallpaper i made and lamento and nyanda and of course lamento booted with a black screen this i a common issue with lamento (at least the one uploaded to the internetarchive thanks denpaaarchivist for your service) that i heard people were expirencing but i wasnt for some weeiiirrrrd reasonnnnnnn hehehe yea it turned out you have to have your reigion AND non-unicode program language set to japan ands japanese and for some reason i had already set my pc to those settings years ago and completely forgot about it OOUAAAGHAHAGHGHH so thats how i was able to play lamento without a care in the world bu my laptop waasnt set to that so i had to do that and it worked GOD the scream of relief i let out and it worked for nyanda too i remeber trying to open it and it being all black too

so my goals were achived i can run chrome (i might switch actually i know chrome is like the #1 shit fuck browswer and i'll probably keep it for pc but i might test out a different one for laptop) and presumably code freely, i can play lamento, and can play nyanda (and other game sthat i add hopefully) omg getting my nyanda save sucked because i didnt know where it saved to so i had to search my C: drives and compare and contrast till i found it i probably couldve looked up where games uisually save to but nope!

so minor complaints beause my mental state wont change unless i talk about them.......!!!
-its so big too big for me at least and im torn up about it like its fine but i really wish it was small its pretty heavy too and its entirely on me for not considering the size before like i want to take it t school at somepoint but its pretty big and heavy so the portable aspect is there but a bit of a issue.
-it can be a bit slow it was a lot better when i stopped using it for the day yesterday compared to when i first opened it but thats one VERY small complaint like i said it was working pretty well
-the scroll is kinda fucked you scroll on th eedge of the mouse thing butit stopped working at somepoint idk if theres a setting i accidentally turned off or something but oh well its whatver for th emost part since i can grab th escrollbars and scroll like that
-I CAN USE DWMBLUR GLASS AND RETRO BAR AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUGAHAGHHGHH secureuxtheme works but without blurgalss the ttitle bar buttons look stupid siigh i downloaded it but it said it coulded run on my pc saem with retro bar so my windows vista aero themeing is incomplete and im stuck with windows 10 AOAOAAUAAGHGHHGHGHH

and i thinks thats it for most of the complaints i have i needed to write them down so i can mopve on from them posting thinsg like vents helps my outlook on things change so i know i'll accept them eventually and overall im pretty happy with it and if im really fucked up about it then i'll just buy more things to make myself feel better!!!!!!!!!!!! one thing i finally get to experence with a debit card is shopping adictions and learnign how to manage my finaces YAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYYYYY i wont actually just buy shit until i feel better but i think getting something and not being fully satisfied and accepting it then moving on with your life is just part of life its how you grow and to be clear i still really like it the biggested problem i have is the size which cant really be changed so im coping dont talk to me but YEAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! one last image i dont play about lamento man

also sorry for not making another school update i didnt feel like it and everything went well actually like i like my classes i got a minimum day and everythings good lol

2nd day of school 8/20/24

was gonna write this like immediately after school but i didnt feel like it
first day went WELL!!!!! overall it was a peaceful experience and surprisingly i didnt wear my mask to school for the first time in 3 years holy shit!!

a bit disappointed in my computer science class this year because my teacher said using AI would be required

my counselor did change my classes but not fully because i still needed visual and arts credits he swapped out ap mandarin for web design which is great but im still in ap pre calc which i do NOT want to be in so i emailed him again at the end of the day and its the next day and he still has not replied so i sent him a let me know when you see this email so hopefully he replies because i very much do not want to take that class!!!!!!!!!
also.. because of the schedule change my government class changed periods and now my gov teacher is my anime club advisor 😭😭😭😭 i never wanted to take his class because i cant get away with being annoying when hes actually my teacher AAAOAUAAUGHHHHGH idk if I've talked about this but I've been my school's anime club president for the past 2-3 years so yea

anyways start of day 2 will make another post if something catastrophic happens goobye

first day of school 8/19/24

first day of school starts in but a few hours the first day of my senior year and first day of my last year in high school starts today and we are going with the FUCK IT WE BALL ATTITUDE!!!!!! 🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥 no new notebooks definately need those barely any preperation and i am enRAGGGGEEDDDDDDD THY PUT ME IN FUCKING AP MANDARIN AND AP PRE CALC I DIDNT CHOOSE THOSE FUUCCKCK!!!!!!!!!! it swhatever i can change my classes and hopefully get a minimum day because when i applied i did it worg but tghe fact i have to go to mandarin for 50 minutes is diabolical the thought of the teacher talking to me makes my blood boil and threatens to make me explode

anyways lets see if this school year will be as bad as the last. therapy did help a lot and i think i can handle a lot of things better but i wont know until it happens

i say that but who am i kidding bro its gonna turn out like sweet pool DAWG ITS OOVVEERRRRRRRRRRRRR
anyways writting this now in case something evil or funny or atually good happens during school and so i can write a follow up ! wish me luck this post will either be really funny sad embarrasing or whatever in the next 10 hours

name 8/9/24

ive been thinking about a new name lately and i think ive settled on gabriel. settled is an exageration since i didnt really think of any other options

gabriel is what my mom wouldve named me in an alernate universe and i think its nice and convienient. i could shorten it to gab to match the best heveheli character ever LOVE YOU GAB!!!! or to riel since it sounds fancy and its starts with the same letter as my irl? dead name? idk and it has the same amount of letters too so its fitting.

ive never really felt supper connected to shenzi its always been for my instagram/online self so i never considered it as a real name for me and i dont mind if people continue to refer to me as it. ive felt disconnected from my irl naem for a while not just because of transgender sauce. it doesnt feel like my own and i only recognize it when its being called during attendance at school. so ive needed a new name for a bit. especially because once i graduate high school i'll be starting my new identity and probably transitioning. ive been waiting for the day i can cut myself off from everything and everyone whos knows me since middle school so its about time. i know im passing my name just gets in the way like when im scanning tickets at concerts. i have to wear a name tag and ive been reffered to as "sir" sometimes but if i didtn have it i know it would happen more.
but also i dont know if id change my name. aside from not wanting to go through the process it doesnt bother me too much. idk what id introduce myself as either. if i choose gabriel i feel like i just wouldnt and i dont know if i want to go through college regreting not transitioning.

editing my about me page and wincing looking at "gabirel" in place of shenzi. ive never really felt too connected to names. the moment i decide on one i want to change it yknow. and i just dont like really calling myself anything i wish i could live in a world where i dont need one irl but it doesnt work that way. so maybe im more comfortable keeping gabriel to myself... having shenzi as my name for people to refer to me online but grabriel being myself on the inside

braces 8/8/24

4 days ago i got braces
i hate the way it makes my face look i spent the entire summer working on myself i was working out and doing skincare stuff nothing really serious or big but i was doing it and i haven't worn my mask over the summer ive been volunteering as a concert usher because i need 40 hours of volunteer work to graduate and ive been so good at it and without my mask and I've been happy about my appearance but now i dont have that because my face has changed in a way i hate and theres nothing i can do about it for 2 years

i wonder what the next year wouldve been like without braces i was even considering not wearing my mask to school i was excited about the outfits i was gonna wear and was excited doing oblique exercises to build a masculine body type and continue cooking stuff and technically i could still do that but it genuinely feels like its for nothing now because the thing i was starting to he proud of was taken away from me

i had less than a minute before i knew they were gonna apply braces to when they started applying them i didnt think they were going to do it my mom didnt either when we were at my orthodontic appointment i had just nodded when my mom asked how does braces sound i nodded to the idea of it jn the future i didnt think it would happen immediately and they didnt even explain the consequences of it either or what id be like for 2 years. i liked how my teeth looked anyways the part that needed braces was small and a unique thing that i was fine with now i wont have it anymore i dont care if it wouldve effected me in the future its not worth it the money or the routines

pulses or whatever6/7/24

⚠ warning: discussions and discriptions of self harm

a couple of weeks ago i ended my therapy services and my therapist my mom and myself all agree that there has been significant improvement since the start of services and i feel like im at a point where i can manage anxiety and stuff like that which may make the rest of this blog post seem like a direct contradiction
previously i had only feelings of shame and embarrassment in regards to self harm. i had only done it on 3 occasions with the last time i did it being 7 months ago so it wasnt something often but i felt nothing but embarrassment at the act of doing it, the fact that people know, the fact that my mom, my irl friends knew. i hated it but i never threw away my blade because i didnt want to stop but i didnt want to continue either
and now here we are. i the embarrassment has faded and i dont feel bad at myself for it. when i stop i want it to be because i want to not because of shame. so no matter what happens i feel better about everything. i feel like i can work towards improvement if i want to, or if i dont feel like it then i wont. i want to decide by myself going forward
with that being said my unfiltered thoughts below

what i want is the sting after. that seemly never ending sting constantly pulsing and pulsing and pulsing slowly warmly. its comforting and warm. maybe what i want is to be touched i haven't felt anyones touch in forever its been maybe a year since my last hug and that was a year after the hug before that probably. but i hate being touched by my friends i hate being poked and like with everything else i hate it. all i need is myself and last night i needed that sting.

a few days before last night, some point in the afternoon i got up and got my blade cleaned it a bit and sat on my couch and started cutting. there was no reason for it, no build up, nothing. i didnt feel anything for it either. one thought i had repeatedly was "why am i doing this..?" there was no answer. i broke ny 7 months streak with no reason. i didnt feel regret but i didnt feel anything else either i just did it. i felt a tiny bit of the sting but i was bored i wasnt feeling it so i stopped sitting dazed on my couch

back to last night it wasnt enough. leading up to last night i hadnt really thought about doing it again that much. i didnt put much thought towards doing something aagin that didnt take any thought to do to begin with ig

when i went to bed i started thinking about it i think. i cant remember everything but i started thinking about what i felt 7 months ago. the pulses. my heart was beating rapidly and i was breathing rapidly and idk how much i should be sharing considering im a minor but you get the point. the only thought in my head was a gash on my arm, the thought of leaving one there and feeling the sting. it was the only thing j could think about. in response i opened my eyes and grabbed the blade but with moment i did everything went away. i calmed down instantly but i couldn't think at all no matter what i couldnt think about anything except for the gash. i couldn't think about what i should do next or anything past that moment so with no choice i started slicing the back of my arm. the cuts were weak but thats to be expected when starting but also it was because i was weak everything about this was weak. i didnt know what i was doing i just had to do it because i needed to feel it again. i couldnt just leave myself hanging now and as i continued, i still didnt feel it even as my cuts got a bit deeper the sting afterwards barely came. "it still wasnt enough" was what i thought throughout it then when my arm had the appearance of shredded paper i stopped. it wasnt enough i needed a different type of blade if i wanted something more so i gave up for the night. i didnt think like myself after that. it didnt feel like my real thoughts but i was the one thinking them. but i was in no shape to fight it at the time

i couldn't tell which thoughts where my own and i hate it. when i thought i didnt recognize myself. where do i stop and something else begins how much of this am i taking from games or shows i thought. i was playing this one game yesterday and i didnt want it to be me just absorbing it. is this the real me and it just reminded me of it or is this just a coincidence or am i becoming something not myself

after something else i wont describe it was time to go to sleep. the night ended in boredom and i was left staring at my ceiling bored. i was tired but a small pleasant sting was there. i guess i just had to wait a tiny bit for the sting to appear and it was soothing but it still wasnt enough i needed something deeper. so i went to sleep and slept well

this isnt a hopeful blog post it really isnt lmao. there isnt much to take from this and to people reading this ir might seem like a loss. but i dont think any progress was made before in regards to self harm. i was stuck because i felt shame not because i wantes to truly stop. so now i can go on towards the direction i truly want. it might take longer, it might take a while, but when i get there i know its because ive changed and because its what i really want. if that makes sense. again not much "hope" since im not making any effort to change now, and if youre reading this you've read the past several paragraphs, but thats how i see it. thanx for reading if you read hope you got something out of it

aueh 5/17/24

confirmed it i dont like affection I'll always prefer beibg alone
i hate when people do studf for me its unsettling and uncomfortable like buying stuff for me unasked like they all of a sudden have to its weird i hate it

this isn't me saying im worthless or whatever but what exactly are you seeing in me right now. whenever i ask this i view myself in the third person and think am i a character to them, a route option in a visual novel. are my sprites and text box appealing. do you want my "good ending". when im doing something, looking away or watching something, are you looking at me? is there something you want. do you value me more what do you see in me am i worth something to you

inviting me to places complementing me its illogical is there something about me you found out thats causing this. do you pity me did you learn something i dont know its making me annoyed my hearts beating faster questioning it aches its so tight make it stop

desktop themeee 4/21/24

screenshot of my desktop shortly after getting all trohpies in dmmd re:code ended up downloading a dmmd theme and editing the color of the icons and really liked how it looked this is from a week ago
in the corner is my asato rainmeter i created!!!!!!!!!!! finished it earlier but didnt want to keep making blog posts full of screenshots but here we are lol it shows the date and time, has a text thing(planning on making it notes and maybe adding something else like system shit or something), and hsows the song currently playing with audio visualizers pretty epic

probably going to use the blog as a place to record my themes because i dont have anywhere else i could maybe make a deviantart but idk yet so for now ill just periodically post them here yay

DONT PLAY DMMD AT 3AM 4/14/24

i cant ever be in a relationship i feel to disgusted in my skin, my face, my body. i feel disgusting when im less than 5 feet away from someone i feel disgusting whenever i hug someone which is like only once a year but it adds to the fear of it i never touch anyone nor do people touch me so it would take even longer to feel comfortable. it would take years to fix because ive felt this way for 6 years middle school left a big mark on me that'll take a long while to wash off and no matter what i dont think id be comfortable with any part of me i couldnt even let myself get close to someone

i could never do anything for them i cant comfort people. i dont think i have ever been able to. when i played with other kids and they got hurt i would just stand there, when my mom was upset i would just stand there. i never knew what to do or say. i dont think i ever developed those skills. i dont think i could show affection either i dont know how so i couldnt do anything for them. not just comforting but i look at people and their reactions are so expressive how do they do it. do they take things stronger than me. i feel things but i think i dont care enough i just take everything as fact and continue with my life i feel it i just

of couse i think about or more accurately hope or dream about a situation irl in which i could be close to someone, that id meet someone somewhere where i dont know anyone or have any connections so i cant start over detached from anything middle school or myself as it existed previously. a scenario that is very impracticle that i can only describe as someone saving me. yknow i play games like dmmd where the protag runs into a stranger and grows closer through unbelieveable condition and the deepest parts of a character are exposed and are accepted and saved from themselves and always find myself hoping that one day for no reason in no justifiable circumstance less than 0.00001% chance that someone would "save me." those words specifically. i have nothing to give in return and shake whenever i have to be close to someone. so i hope that someone will just drag me closer to them instead. but thats just a hope or dream about a situation

i know that even if that scenario happens i wont accept it im not built to receive affection or give it even if someone is there for me. i wouldn't accept it i talk about wanting someone but when someone appears i dont want them

dmmd rainmeter skin 4/2/24

made a rainmeter skin based on the rhyme stats from dmmd!!!!!!!!!!!!


it shows cpu, ram, remaining disk space, and the hexagon in the center is an image slideshow

fun fact i had the idea to make this 2 days ago bc i have a google drive link with all the assets from dmmd but theyre all seperate so i thought "ooh i;ll just quickly open dmmd and play through the common route to see what it looks like in game it'll only take a second!" .. . i then proceeded to spend the rest of my day playing the entirety of noizs route including all 4 endings. freaking fuck.

anyways would anyone be interested in downloading this or any future rainmeter skins i decide to make question markk.. idk how many people even use rainmeter but if you do let me know in my guestbook or just my neocities profile i havent made any download links yet but yea

desktop themez 3/20/24

LOOK AT MY DESKTOP LOOK AT IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! since th elast time ive posted ive gotten my windows to look like vista ones and downloaded rainmeter and spent the past 13-15 hours fighting for my life on deviantart and file explorer and have made naitou skins


og skin based on/taken from here. bgs and naitous edited and applied by me

naitou figure when


yea thats it i just wanted to share byeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

lamento beyod da void gaming 3/17/24

lamento beyond the void by nitro plus chiral is a good fuking game went in blind and finished asatos route a few days ago heres a screenshot look at my desktop i love my desktop look at it



anyways who give a shit about that onto the only thing that fuckig matters. nyanda the lamento typing game is a fucking slice of hell i know hiragana so i can play and i am shaking and crying yesterday i played it for around 7 hours and today i played for several more i am getting stronger i am learning more japanese at an inhuman rate it is changign my brain structure and killing me from the inside.



my current progress my hand eye codination was ass i couldnt look away from the keyboard but now im different. i even switched out my usual keyboard to increase maximum efficiency. i was stuck on the first level for an hour because i was too slow but them i got good now i can type without looking down mostly. ive developed strategies. im grinding in nyanda im grinding on the tutorial getting skips and diciding exactly when to use them matching up the text to translations i found and deciding which ones i can type in time. i'll kill nyanda with my own hands. konoe rai asato bardo keep yelling at me in nyas on that one level and i wont give up no matter what. nyanda i'll see you in hell.
look at this asato screenshot i love asato


kuims the game is pretty cool didnt read the tutorial but i understood quickly im spinning those fruits like crayzay

also got the chiral night rythm carnival demo a couple of weeks ago and im so serious someone with the full game needs to become a saint and link that shit i need it so bad

p2 and tatsunya..2/29/24

the persona 2 duology is so fucking fun and i love it so much everything about it is so good the story it tells over the course of the 2 games, the characters, the comedy, the gameplay on occasion..... ouuuuuu i genuinely love it so fucking much it is without a doubt my favorite persona instalment

on of the things i love the most is tatsuya i love him with all my heart ouuhh hes such a good protag turned side character and his story omfg his story ouuuuu

" playing p2 eternal punishment and especially the tatsuya scenario made me wish i was tatsuya a bit as in i wish that i could have some sort of punishment. to atone for a sin alone. deep in my heart i crave a deep sorrow that and i desire punishment. i feel better when i feel like im suffering and playing it, especially the tatsuya scenario, makes me wish i was him

physically i know that i want to be repeatedly kicked again and i have a feeling id enjoy getting beat up in general as well. i doubt myself and say that it hasn't happened so i wouldnt know but i have a feeling

mentally pretty self explanatory i want to be in constant pain and isolation i already know that i feel more comfortable while sad but i feel a desire to be punished for something as if its how im always supposed to be "

the past 3 paragraphs is something i wrote a couple weeks ago on my ig story and out of all stories its the one my mom ended up seeing 😭😭😭😭😭😭 ouuu so awkward and embarrassing but oh well anyways yea tatsuya has become a character i deeply love and relate to i love him with all my heart

end of feb things2/29/24

hope you enjoy my index v2!!!!!!! we've reached the end of February and its also a leap year!! an amount has happened since i last posted so first things first MY BRITHDAY!!!!!! i am now 17 and its pretty wacky!! my bday actually ended up going pretty well i dont really like my bday that much and after what had happened 2 days before it (last blog post + as a result of that staying home from school the next day) i didnt have much hope but it went well!!!!!!

moving on to gifts i got a psp!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! its the one on my home page and i love it it arrived like a week before my birthday and ive been using it to play persona 2 eternal punishment and it was so fun
MY FRIEND SURPRISED ME WITH THE GOATBED HELLBLAU ALBUM GYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA another friend got me a blue studded belt GYYYYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA unfortunately it doesn't fit my friend said she got a medium but it says xs on it so oh well but GYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

yayyyy very happy pretty cool

due to a certain game protagonist ive also decided that i want a motorcycle!! i knew cars were a necessary part of life but i never really felt like id actually want one i have to learn how to drive but i have zero motivation for it and then after playing that very special game with the very special protag i realized.... MOTORCYCLE!!!!!!!! theyre perfect theyre small, usually only for 1 person, and they look sick as fuck uuuuuu i really think it would be a good thing to work towards and to pursue eventually i already feel like i have 1000% more motivation to put in the effort to get a license and stuff like that!!!

☹2/6/24

cold today lots of rain.
my skill of crying and no one noticing comes back once again
hadnt gone to club last week because of reasons and so when i went today i asked what we watched while i was gone. thwy said wonder egg priority which is something my friend who wasnt here today suggested but i turned down as a suggestion because i never really wanted to watch it. i thought it wouldnt be a good pick and had a bad feeling about it personally. so while i was gone she put it on so i couldn't protest even though we were in the middle of something else. we started today on episode 7 i tried to look up a synopsis and stuff to catch up but didn't get to before it started and in the first couple of minutes i started to see why i had a bad feeling about it and also a some things about my friend. and then i understood why she wanted to watch it behind my back maybe its fate mocking me the fact j jumped in on episode 7 of all episodes why is everything mocking me i dont care if it wasn't on purpose why did you put it on when i wasnt there so i couldn't say anything
i wish i blocked all my friends in june so they wouldn't know and i wouldnt be embarrassed just stop mocking me my other friend sent me a shitty self harm song from tiktok once i can only think of how bad it wouldve been if my friend had been here at club today. when you see that character do you see me is that what you see me as. why
i left early without a word and walked to the parking lot alone in the cold rain

2/5/24

back to good ol late night blog writing on the desktop this ones pretty short

i just naturally feel better when im suffering a lot of the time like when i got home from school alone and theres nothing to eat and am alone until my mom gets home from work at 8:30 but i probnably wouldnt see her that day because i'd have already gone to bed
and when i was playing a game and realized i hadnt eaten at all that entire day and im tired and weak but i felt better that way i just liked being in pain for the most part but also because it might help with my identity as ignicell gamer too ig it makes me happy whenever i fall into that archetype
not eating at all and spending all day in my room alone felt nice

persona 3 reload? are you stupid or something? .. .more like 2/5/24

(writing this yet again on phine at scholl so hopefully this isnt tok messy) remember the last blog post where i said i wadnt getting reload yea I LIED!!!!! not really it just took a little under a day after reload came out for me to decide that i actually wanted it and I LOVE IT YAAAYYY

at the time of writing this im in light july in the middle of the track team training thing and GOD so full of peace and love i go out to paulownia mall in the evening and the music got me feeling a level of happiness and content

onto me complaining my biggest complaints are the menus, art style, and the characterization assume j love everything else about reload i dont want to seem like im not hapoy with it just yea

menus can be hard to navigate and design wise couldve been better. like why exactly did they go with water... the moon ig...... and whats even more insane is that in thw concept art thwy went with a darker, simpler, clock based design thats so much better and actually breaks my heart GRRAAAAAA the menus shouldve at least had consistent colors methinks. as for the navigation its sucks the ui should make my game play easier not harder!!!! the end of battle results screen is so bad can they just have something not be italicized amd at an angle for once like the font does not help either! the level up screen sucks it should definitely be bigger and give you more info than just a tiny sliver in thw middle of the screen. speaking of leveling up yknow whats fucked. i was in tartarus and going through it trying to level up like you do in tartarus and i fknish a battle and check my stats and see i have like 500 exp til next level and i go "yaay only like 1 more battle" and i do another battle and dont level and go to check my stats since theres probably only a few exp needed but i see its only at 400 and i realize OH they tell you the TOTAL AMOUNT meaning i have to divide by 5 each time i want to know how much i get!!!!!!!!! ive only played p3p and im 99% sure they told you how much the player got which is good because then you can assume everyone else got the same so idk if its liie this un the original persona 3 or in fes but uts just annoying it makes grinding so much more tedious since you'd either have to do math after every battle or check your stats everytime you want to know which sucks because the menu/ui for the stats kinda sucks the picture of the party member youre looking takes up half the screen, your info is small italicized at an angle and positioned in an unoptimal place, the font not good for the eyes, it also doesn't show youre social stats on the status page you have to go to status then press something else to see thwm and its unfortunate when they couldve just been on the initial status screen. also the design of it is kinda eeeh like i mentioned before the colors could be a bit more consistent and pleasing to the eye, the portrait of your party member in in b&w except for their signature color which looks kinda bad the signature colors are all kinda eeuuhhgfg and the b&w looks to heavy???? in the menu like idk its hard to just describe in words but overall what im trying to say is that it would look 100x better it it was simple and easy to read the most important part of the ui is being usable and its shame to see it fail when the style they traded it for isnt even as good as it could've been.

enough about the menus they look good for the most part despite when they dont theyre stylish except tgat theyre not and thematically wack blahblah blah lets talk about storry characterization etc. ol so this game is not subtle at all 😭😭😭😭 like even in the first cut scene its so😭 if you value unique animation and editing then its a tragedy like yukari literally says "uuu i just have to shoot myself ooooo ugh theres no way i can do it!!!" when the original portrayed this without dialogue and spliced between other quick cuts to portray the stress of the situation but thats fine ig but the in your face shit doesn't end there.
it might be because theres more dialogue overall like in tartarus and the additional stuff but characterization gets so uuueeghgg like junpei its non stop how he wants to be the leader its all he ever seems to talk about and akihiko oh akihiko it feels like hes just a complete meathead its all he talks about. again might be because theres just more dialogue but thwy couldve made him talk about something else and the way mitsuru talks about him uueghg its always "akihiko you dumb fuck why cant you be a normal person and shut the fuck up about training why are you like this" likw shes his mom or something😭😭😭😭 and this is just me probably but i dont really prefer akihikos English voice here it takes away a lot of the characterization i liked about him when i first played which makes me sad because it makes me not want to talk to him as much like i still do whenever i have the chance but😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

also speaking characterization the art style makes me so sad thats exaggerating but you get the point.
when i look at aigis it makes me a bit sad and worried because now she looks too perfect and acts too human. like i love robot characters so much and when they just become basically human its UUUUUGHGGHH correct me if its different in Japanese but her original English voice is one of my favs its not like "beep boop" robotic but completely monotone and weird until she develops later on which makes the emotional pay off really nice but with her dub in reload i think theres like.. hints. of robotic speak but 99% is just soft spoken normal girl. this makes me sad/worried because now she fits into the "perfect girl for the male player who is obedient and doll like" kind of like how some people treat rei ayanami yknow like og aigis was weird and felt a bit like a contradiction to that archetype ESPECIALLY WITH THE ARTSTYLE AND CUTSCENE STYLE SHE WAS SO COOL but now its ssiiighhhhh i still love aigis but siiiggghhh basically all these combined, art style, anime cutscene style, voice, writing, make me sad because persona 3 og style is so good and unique like if you've never seen any of it j highly encourage you look up persona 3 anime cutscenes on youtube i love the fes ones so much aigis is so cool

idk if anyone who hasnt played any version of persona 3 and is thinking about playing reload will read this but in terms of style, story, themes etc persona 3 (og, fes, portable) > reload
so yea i dont think its the definitive version story wise and i cant say its better even for its design since its thematically inconsistent for reasons i mentioned before blahblahblah yea but thats what makes the fact that theres multiple versions of the story so good because you can pick the one you enjoy the most

overall j love reload. the music makes it such an experience and the other additions like the phone are supper cool too. the battle gameplay for the most part isint too bad for me tartatus has a lot of little thjngs i dknt like but oh well still enjoyable so i hope to continue having fun yayayayayy

plans and games 2/1/24

writing on my phone yet agaim but at school this time woaaahh
ive been meanjng to update the home page sjnce FOREVER the chat box is too small its loads like ass and i dont like how it looks kinda it needs to be fixed but i haven't found a time where i want to work on it i wish i could fo it at school but its neocities is blocked by the district and i dont have a laptop and working on your phone is ASS but..!!!!!!.!. if it is what needs to be done then i shall accept the challenge..........

now onto games after i finished p3p there was a game shaped hole in my heart now that i had nothing to play all my free time was boring and without motivation so i went into a gamer spiral where i have to play games or else I'll explode

i finished persona 2 innocent sin a few days ago and IT WAS SO GOOD ITS SO FUN I FUCKING LOVED IT SO MUCH I LOVE THE CAST I LIVE TATSUYA A LOT AS A PROTAG GYAAAAAAA cannot wait for when i start eternal punishment which might be sooner than i initially planned..

today is feb first and at the time of writing this theres 12 hours until persona 3 reload comes out and 2 days ago my mom and i were at the checkout about to preorder it for my birthday but i started second guessing if i really wanted it. i didn't know if i wanted to put another 70 hours into something i didnt even know if id actually enjoy ESPECIALLY BECAUSE ITS 70 FUCKING DOLLARS and also because its not in the ppsspp emulator i couldn't speed up the gameplay which is like a death sentence to me i have to be able to skip entire fights in a second or else I'LL DIE!!!!!! the only thing that was holding me back from not getting it was maybe feeling left out when it comes out but i dont really care I'll just wait until i can pirate it or something...... and with reload out of the way PERSONA 2 ETERNAL PUNISHMENT HERE I COME GYAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA

yesterday i remembered thw death note ds games existed and the fact i could download anything onto my computer so i got the kira game and i cant believe i just downloaded amongus itd actually kind of fun the gameplay is silly

so current games on queue are p2 eternal punishment, death note kiea game, and when i finish kira game I'll play L the prologue to death note okay byyyeeewe

PERSONA!!!! *miss* 1/22/24

gggGGYYYUUUOOOOO writing blog post on my phone jn my bed at 6 am for this first time i dont like doing it because it feels more natural typing on a keyboard also typing on a neocities file on mobile is hell so im doing it in notes which i fucking hate anyways

finished persona 3 portable a week ago on January 14th very epic definitely my fav person game and of course i will be playing reload when jt comes out

oh whats that? my thoughts on reload you ask? oho i see! so the reason i started p3p when reload was so close was because i didnt want it to be my first exposure to persona 3. i saw the art and anime cut scenes and them being less unique or expressive made me sad like the tone feels off and when talking about it on Instagram someone described it as too "clean" which i think is really good. same with the opening and trailers like are thwy really goingto tell the story of persona 3 😭😭😭 reload is described as a reimagining not a remake or rerelease so i guess they could be going for a completely different tone or even a different theme if they wanted to and i realized this yesterday after paragraphs of ranting and decided that it doesn't matter if it isnt p3 because its something else so in the end i think the original is perfect for me and reload will be whatever it turns out being

sjnce i finished theres been a persona shaped hole in my daily life i miss being able to play it and having something to do all day I NEEDED MORE PERSONS!!!!!!! i actually got persona 4 golden 2 years ago but stopped after tge kanji shadow and never finished it so the simple solution would be to pick it up again ive been thinking about it a lot and yhe musics been stuck in my head for some reason so yknow what i did?
downloaded persona 2: innocent sin for the PlayStation 1 and then changed my mind an hour in and downloaded the PlayStation portable version.thoughts so far characters are fun i love how the party goes with you everywhere and you can talk to them which is probably like basic rpg stuff but its cool when youve only seen modern persona. i miss the calendar system and game play because it can be hard to figure out what ypu have to do ESPECIALLY WITH omfg THE FIGHTS walking walking FLASHBANG walking waking FLASHBANG its so annoying i just wabt to go in a classroom dawg anyways im enjoying it so far 👍🏽 sometimes with emulation it makes me want to play it how its meant to be played aka on the portable like i wish i could bring it with me siiiggghhhh

and act like i dont know nobodddaayyy 1/8/24

there's exactly 1 month until my birthday now.. i kind of stopped feeling for my birthday after i was 10 i just feel neutral apathetic of bad about it. i haven't had like a traditional birthday party or celebration since then and since covid i haven't had one at all. when we went back to school i didn't want to have one because i didn't want to hang out with my friends since i want to have to be near them for once on my birthday., currently i still don't really want a birthday party i guess it would just be tiring i don't really want to spend it with them or have to plan something. as for birthday gifts i just feel bad i don't like getting them or requesting them i don't like it it's because i have a "every action must have an equal reaction" mindset which is a flawed view on life but yeah i don't like getting things in all honesty. i'll use it to get another 10 billion pieces of twisted wonderland merch or an anime figure but it doesn't feel good same with christmas to an extent but yeah. i hate having people appreciate me irl or online its not because i think im worthless it's just a hassle when i don't feel the same. anyways even if i did feel good about my birthday usually i don't think i could ever have it in me this year. i could celebrate “triumphing over my mental health issues” or something but i don't feel like it it doesn't feel right.

i can't wait until i don't know anyone. i've been looking forward to it for a bit now. i feel better talking to people who don't know me because i'm not held back by anything. i'm ready to leave middle school behind. It's nice to have friends going into highschool but its lingering presence is no longer needed. I hate having to be something people know whether it be in my club or friend group i feel more at peace when i know no one. i'd rather be the quiet student you forget about because i don't have to worry about anything. i could just live my life without fear of most things something could go bad like last semester but i'd still feel better not knowing anyone. back to persona 3 while playing it i wanted to be someone who didn't know anyone and could do whatever they wanted so badly i know it will be considerably worse without friends going into adulthood but i'm looking forward to it. i want to walk places on my own and just be another person in the world i want to just try going places, eating places just doing anything. cringe loser moment but i want to not know anyone so i can meet new people with a new sense of identity i want to run into someone one day and develop a genuine bond something i could never do now at school and how i am now. life isn't as special as it can be in games about fighting shadows with friends but that's what i hope for in the future. i'm trying to look at what could be the next 60, 70 years of my life even though i have no view of it and can't see past childhood and how i am now.

i wonder if there'll be a time where i look forward to my birthday it doesn't mean i have to be excited but at least not feel discomfort. i feel bad for my mom who had to watch me become this. i know she celebrates it and wants to celebrate it properly too it's unfortunate. she's the only one who i feel bad about making worry about me it's unfortunate.

new semesterrrrr 1/8/24

first day of the new semester and it started off with a warning of misfortune while on the way to school i saw a peacock on the sidewalk grrrrrr..... i hate how i look right now twas wash and retwist day a couple of days ago and i cut my hair again i always hate how i look after retwisting because my hair is so flat but i feel like i cut it too short this time oh well it'll grow back but i still hate it and feel a sense of disgust while whatever im doing..

started playing persona 3 portable a few days after christmas with the goal of beating it before reload comes out and i'm making good progress in 49 hours in and just finished the october midterms i was worried i'd lose motivation to play once school started but i don't think it'll be a problem at all when i got home from school today i started playing weehee ! During mandarin class our teacher made us fill out a paper about our breaks and when he was looking at mine we talked about persona a bit and he asked what emulator i used i told him what it was but next time i should tell him to download a virus....... i wanted to switch out of this class its mandarin 3 and my third year in mandarin but my mom said if i switched out she'd make me do mandarin lessons outside of school GAAAAHHH

back to persona playing it makes me so jealous seeing how you can just go places talk to people get jobs eat somewhere i wish where i lived was walkable there's not much near my house and i can't drive yet uuegh.. also i think it would be nice to live life as a persona protagonist living life with the goal of increasing stats would be funny and help[ful maybe idk i don't care

me? 12/31/23

im very introverted dont talk much, rarely talk at all much outside of my friend group. when im in class it brings me fear, uncomfort, and sadness when i have to talk to others because i simply wont do it. some people say its because of anxiety that im scared people will judge me for not talking when its already been proven to be true. they think im weird and unhelpful. same with my facial expression i dont express much and also im one of the only people at school who still wears a mask which doesnt help. they think i dont care because of the blank expression on my face but i do i just dont show it. my face is tired, my sunken eyes are devoid of light and my dark circles look skull like, sometimes my mom says i have a resting sad face when im just neutral. my hair is in locs and is short but my bangs cover my eyes and add a dark shadow to my already shadowy face, my locs are a bit messy and need to be retwisted but i like how they are length and style wise anyways.

i wear mostly all black if not other shades of gray and monotone i love skeleton and skull patterns and look forward to wearing my studded belts even if my double zip hoodies cover them up. my favorite shirts are death note related and my favorite pants are flared with zippers on the back of the bottom of the legs. my mask that i wear at school isnt something i really like too much its hard having to make sure my face is concealed at all times especially in front of my friends but its become apart of me now and it wont come off until i graduate. i don't wear it everywhere tho just at school or with friends. ig it could be considered part of my outfit since for me its a necessary as pants.

recently ive brought my headphones to school with me so i could listen to goatbed as well as other songs that i like. theyre big, chunky, and black (i made sure to cover any of the red bits with black sharpie) and i totally didnt get this specific pair to look similar to the ones aoba seragaki has. however when i listen to music at school i stop breathing and have no way of fixing it so i will have to stop listening to music there meaning i will also stop bringing my headphones because im so scared of damaging them. when i did put them on tho i hope i looked cool because i love headphones so much and to wear those ones was my dream.

when im at home im at my desk watching something or playing something, most likely both at the same time. i play twisted wonderland on my pc and am a proud ignihyde lover and collecter as i have every ortho card and every idia card except for 1 (his first birthday card story for another day). i call myself a gamer to chanel the ignihyde spirit but should probably play more. i love pirating and playing games on emulators its my favorite activity. i would like to at least sit outside a bit again but its gotten cold so i dont. i do like going outside to look at gardens i hate running into peacocks on the way to school but seeing them walk through a field is nice they sound like cats. i dont like people coming into my house i dont let my fiends in and whenever someone comes over i run and hide in my room or run out of view and hide until i can escape.

i dont think of myself as a main character not in a self centered way but in the way where my life story is that of a side character and my role in life is to be that side character in someone else's life. either by being a no face npc at school, a friend, or an artist online. providing entertainment online or being someone people find off putting irl is my job so i dont really care for how others perceive me since it doesnt really have anything to do with myself. but detaching myself from identity can be equally as harmful as being too dependant on it so this here is who i am. its the end of the year and ive managed to figure it out. i like skeletons, i love blue, i love studded belts, i love technology, im shy, i dont talk, i have anxiety issues, i've had issues with depression and have issues with self harm, i also really enjoy talking about all of it on neocities and also being monsieurdoll. happy new year and new yuri weeee a lot happened in 2023 bad things happened and earlier in the year i thought it was just a bad overall year but when i look back on it this year was really good too and im glad it happened im glad i got dramatical and went through my death note anxiety crisis and so much more because im able to be here now with more experiences under my skull checkered studded belt. shenzi out ☆

waaaaah 👎🏽👎🏽12/31/23

a few days ago my friend came over to my house without explicitly saying she would and it made me so uncomfortable that the next day i was paranoid and uneasy. She cazme over with a holiday gift and since i wasnt prepared i told her to leave it on the porch and so she did and picked it up after she left. felt uneasy because 1) felt bad about not accepting it at the door and 2) because im not comfortable with her showing up to my house like that it troubles me for multiple reasons my, for lack of a better term, ignicell introverted self cannot deal with yea getting off topic thats not what i want to talk about today

so i feel a certain way about that friend because ive known her since middle school and to be brief my firends during middle school are like the main source for some of the many problems i face today and write about on my blog most of which i havent even began to cover so i dont really feel for her the way people usually feel about their firends. im still firends with most of my firends since middle school (most bc soem went to differetn high schools) but theyve grown up since then. this friend whicvh ive been talkign about doesnt seem to understand what kind of friends we are. this friend seems to want a genuine friendship and cares for me a lot more than i care for her. not to say that i hate her or were not friends but we arent that kind of friends and will never be because i dont think she understands how much middle school impacted me. and also bc we were never those kind of friens in middle school none of us were lmao.

my main point is i just feel sorry for her because she cares a lot more about me than i do her and theres not much i can really do. she gets on my nerves a lot but i try not to say or do anything that would upset her because shes insecure about some things and shes a nice girl and tries her best but yea theres a lot of things. so i felt bad about not answering the door when she went through the trouble of comign to my house to deliver a gift because i dont feel comfortable with her doing that, both the gift and showing up at my house it scares me. theres not much ou can do when someone cares about you because its not my fault they care sm but also my responsibility i guess. if i sound like an asshole thats comepletly understandable and im fine with that its just how i feel and i didnt go into full detail because its like 5 years worth of context that i dont have th energy or even the words to describe atm but it doiesnt matter since this is a vent anyways and feelings are fine. also maybe i just dont feel that much for people when i think about it thats how ive been for a while since elementary school oh well tis unfortunate.

MERRY YAOIMAS!! 12/25/23

happy holidays yippee!!!!! todays i'll be talking about what i got yayayy

first off some general update stuff fully made a themed homescreen based on ren who couldve guessed, also changed my desk top and fucked around with windows media player hashtag aesthetic,

moved a couch into my room and binged all of utena on it in 2 days, finished watching the death note tv drama and then watched new generation and light up the new world (worst title ever), GOT A SKULL STUDDED BELT HOLY SHIT, i rewatched an anime that has haunted me for 2 years.... visual prison. god.. and made peace with it in the endand other stuff of course but now onto the real shit

late november i decided i wanted to comit. i knew in my heart it was time and what i need to do.... i needed...... a ren figure....!.!!! ren has become one of the most import thingsg in my life and so i determined that he was worth getting a figure for so i found a lisdting for one and asked my aunt to get him for me. now my aunt is an anime fan so the posibility of her knowing what dmmd was was there but i didnt think too much about it shes like 60+ and maybe she hadn't heard of it so i send her the link and wait until the next day (she picks me up from school) to ask if she saw what i sent and she said she had and had ordered it and i was like"yay awesomw sauce" then she says she "likes that series" and she "owns a couple of nendroids" from it. ,..,/][]=-../,.%$%#Y^$%%@#^ well cant say i was too shocked what a magical yaoimas mericle anyways its christmas now and HES HERE pics at the end💙💙💙💙💙💙💙 twst stuff some of the things i asked for havebnt arrived yet because i asked late and japan shipping but today my momm actually surprised me with twst stuff she got me a poster, a blanket, a notebook, and the heartslabyul manga she knows how much twst means to me and i know how much thought she put into it i love her sm 😭😭💙💙 as for the ones that have yet to arrive? heh. lets just say that they dont call me the ultimate ignihyde connoisseur for nothing..... and thats pretty much it for today i'll probably edit this post when the other ones arrive but yea thanx for reading and enjoy these pics

GOATBED AGAIN11/17/23

once again writing this at 6 am before school and yesterday i found GBunof an unofficial goatbed website with a lot of good shit and info that i will be looking into relentlessly anyways while looking reltentlessly i click on fandeath which i belive one the most recent albums from goatbed and was looking at the track list and it said "#11 Based on the BGM track of - append music re:cord - #04 (BGM #02)" so i go to #11 and its called "DAMNED THING IN THE RAIN" so i click and go "ooo i wonder- WAIT APEND MUSIC RECORD THASTS FUCKING RE:CODE TAYHTD FUCKLSJIN G TRACL 04 TYHATS FUCINGG ZAP MUSICC 2 THATS FUCKING" and by the time i realize this im 18 seconds into the video and i hear the first few notes to zap music #2 and if youve seen my morphine mini blog you know how insaen i am over it its literally one of the best and mopst interesting soulful idk track of dmmd its litterally the reason i decided to download and replay morphine just so i could know when its used and so i paused the video. immediately climbed out of bed ran around the house making coffee turning on my pc all with a huge smile on my face. to come down and write this. right now we are transitioning from a point of past tense now we are in a state of innocence from this point on it will be my live reaction ......,.,.;..!!!!!!!!!


0.18 ok back to the point i was when i paused and had to pause again IM SO FYUCKING EXCITED YOU DONT KN WO WHAT ZAP MUSIC 2 DOES TO ME MY HEART CANT TAKE IT THE INTESNITY I FEEL RN....!!!! I LITERASLLY HAD TO PAUSE AGAIN FUUUCKCKKC ok lets continue we can do this 1.01 FIRST LYRICS i need to stop puasing and just watch im sorry 2.11 CHNAGE THERES WAS A CHANGE i'll literally fuckinfg kill myseklf its so good ill kill myself right now OH MYFUCKING GOD WHEN THE ZAP MUSIC CAME BACK I AUYDIBLY GASPED AND CHOKED ABIT FUCK FUCK FUCK HELP M E HELP ME SOMEONE HEKLP I CANT TAKE THIS ILL LIOTERALLY EXP{LODE HAD TO PAUISE AGAIN AND I FERA UIF I UNM PAUSE ILL DIE OF ARTISTIC MASTERY FUICK ouh my god the way it was aligned with the beatdrop its so. ouh. fuck.

post damned in the rain shenzi here ouh fuck i.OUGH i need to listen to it in hd and i need the lyrics and i need everything holy shit im so morphine brained god
ok lsietening to hd HOLY SHIT OH MYGOD GYYYYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA UUAGHH AUAGBH UUEEGHGEGHEGH OOUHGH MY GOD WHEN THE BEAT CHANGEs ITS SO COOL ITS SO COOL I LOVBE TEH SYNTH PARTS AND THE ZAP MUSIC AND THE ORCHESTRAL BITS AND THE GOATBED CLAPPING SOUND EFFERCT AND GYYYAYAYAYAYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA GYAAA AA FUCK HOLY SHIT FUCK THE BEAT DROP IS SO GOPOD WITH THE LYRICS is he saying "feel like dancing" or "free life dancing" idk ITS SO GOOD i hope i can fine the lyrics one day oooouuuuH
OK FOUND TEH LYRICS IT WAS "FEEL LIKE A DAMNED THING" GYYYUUUUOOOOOOOOOUUUUHH hhehehegheheheehehehhhe uuuughh uuhhuhhhhuuuuuuuuu heheehe hgrhjgd hhehehe i love it so much i love the lyrics so much tehyre so heheh
ok let me actually try to form a coherent thought its so goiod zap music always had a peaceful calm yet inclredibly somber and sorrowful tone to it and the rain is the perfect thing top express taht uuuuuu
and wait is that just me or is there the sound of DIGGING in the background what

alright to finish off this post that ive been writing forlike 30 minutes its so good and i love it because iots so and teh and gopatbed and zap music and guh yea bye

goatbed!! 11/16/23

as apart of my life getting better ovwr the past 2 weeks ive, for the first time in years, had warm coffee in the morning instead of an excessively big cup of iced coffee ooo drinking it rn at 6:38 am as i type this hate how fast it gets cold tho

for my first non mental health related post i will talk about goatbed yippee!!!!!!!!!!!! ive always wanted to go through goatbeds entire discography since i got into dmmd the bgm but ESPECIALLY rens songs the openings and virus and trips songs made me go insane like when i get my YouTube music recap (i dont use Spotify sigh) the most listened to song will be deslash guaranteed

so i watched the death despair hell speed temperature and gyaaaa 💥💥💥💥
t-b-p-t, like, who dunnit how dunnit why dunnit(first song on my home oage music player ) is a reused? recycled? repurposed? i dk t know which came first dmmd or this song but it was in dmmd as bgm as that one fucking song in oval tower anyways twas a banger

continued watching anf got to manish fiend and a minute or so in i hear "lady a fine edge walking on the highway" and go HOLY SHIT MASCULINE DEVIL MENTION another reused repurposed idk song that was in dmmd omg my favorite!!!!! this is different because those other to reused dmmd songs were bgm while this is a remix of a song with lyrics and it's so good i like how different it sounds while there still being remnants of masculine devil in there besides just the lyrics

so more recently like a few days ago i was listening to manish fiend and decided to look up what "manish" meant because i didnt know by the sound of it i just thought it meant bad like malicious or manic because "ma" is like bad so j look it up and nothing comes up and i realize. HE JUST NAMED IT MASCULINE DEVIL AGAIN MANISH ISN'T A WORD ITS "MAN-ISH" AKA MAN LIKE AKA MASCULINE HE JUST CHOSE THE FUCKING SYNONYMS uh anyways who up feeling fiendishly manish tonight 🌹❤️ anyways omg that part in like the last chorus? idk music terminology but yea when its the masculine devil part and goes "stop and wink for a-" *pause* "WOOOOOOOOOAAAHHH, wooahahh.. send wooordddddd..... WOOOOAH, waaaoh.. embelish naked word" it so good it fucks so hard i love this slight change because its just been that bit in masculine devil and stops at "stop and wink for a moment" instead of going into the "woah woah send woerd" like in the orginal and it skips a bit and oouuhgh how does a person concoct maculine devil/manish fiend its impossible

also a few days ago i listened to the optimist sees the doughnut the pessimist sees the hole for the first time and ouhmygod banger i immediately added it to the music player and yknow whats crazy theres 2 of them in the same album with the same title and theyre NEARLY the exact same song just nearly with very subtle differences both are bangers tho

uuhhh 11/15/23

⚠ warning: discussions and discriptions of self harm

ok so this was originally meant for that last post but i just kept typing more and more and didnt want it to get too long and it just got off topic BUT MAINLY because this post will be a discussion of my experiences relating to self harm and its more than just a brief mention so i wanted to put it by itself. proceed with caution and don't forget to have fun

so basically long story short i think about hurting myself or getting into terrible accidents etc when i feel bad and so that combined with the fear on sunday october 15th caused me to self harm for the second time ever and for the first time in 4 months. but this time it was different aside from it being out of anxiety instead of sadness it felt. good. not because it gave me a break from my anxiety. but because it felt good physically. it didnt feel like that last time so what happened i wondered. i started breathing heavily and cutted quicker and feverishly all over my arm and by the end of it it literally looked like it had been through a shredder the cuts started overlapping with each other until the back of my forearm was completely covered in them. after around an hour of this i fell back onto my bed (was sitting crisscross ap[ple sauce) and laid there for a while thinking about it. it wasnt just the cutting it was the pain itself too and i didnt know what to do with this new information

so uh.......is this normal... obviously not lmao but i dont know i dont really know where to look for stuff like this and im too embarrassed to task about it with my friends, my mom, my therapist, my instagram stories etc and uuh yea sorry if this is too much i just i dont really know where else to talk about it. i dont want to talk to my irl friends about it at all actually becasue one of them sent me an annoying ass tiktok song about self harm liek. HUH ! annyyywayssssss

its just weird yknow like when it sall around you like you see things about people gaining pleasure from pain everywhere in games shows etc so you dont really know how to react when it applies to you i guess. things like blood and gore those things are commonly used to represent love and other things like that. im literally listening to feel your noise as i type this and that song along with noiz dmmd's bad end is full of cuts and pain as a form of love so what am i supposed to do with this. i could just put a character liek towa slow damage on my kin list and call it a day like a normal kinstagramer but why. aside from me being too embarrassed to do so i just dont want it to be like that i dont want this part of me to be treated as a joke or something unimportant and i. cant bring myself to say i want it to stop. i was about to say i want it to be serious, an issue that i want to fix, i dont want this to be how i cope and yet i know thats a lie. the unfortunate part of being mentally ill is, of course, being mentally ill. of course i dont want to stop!! in the back of my mind, not even in the back, in the front is me wanting to do it again me wanting to just do that instead like whats wrong with enjoying myself? other people do things that bring them relief so why shouldnt i? and i know i dont want it to stop BECAUSE YOU KNOW WHAT? I DID IT AGAIN!!!! LITERALLY A WEEK LATER I DID IT AGAIN BECAUSE I WANTED TO FEEL IT AGAIN!!!!!! and its scary why does it have to be sexual thats literally a death sentence like god lmao sorry i just dont know. when your own mind genuinely wants something you yourself genuinely wants something its just. i dont want this to be the only way i cope i dont see it happening again soon but its there i can feel the desire to do it again there and i will one day

anyways i say all of this because i thougth it would be funny if i added sly blue to my mind orb i already have sei and ren who i use to cope with things and it would be funny i could just go "RESTRAINT!!!!! KILL THIS LOSER FOR ME!!!!" whenever i feel like cutting haha even now im not taking it seriously lmao sigh again sorry for all this ON THE BRIGHT SIDE if youre ever feeling bad about yourself just remember you'll always be better than me hehe uhm hope you enjoyed ?? idk i hope you found some type of enjoyment from this whether it be from morbid curiosity or a look into a different perspective shenziiiii oouuuttt

life update weee !! 11/15/23

long time no fucking blog post literally forcing myself to write this turned on my blog writing song (feel your noise) lmao not really but kinda i just dont really have anthing to write which is a lie i do but nothing really to write for this blog. i have my instagram stories which ive been using to talk about things vents etc but anyways hiiiiiiiii heres some life updates which is actually very good because it would let me easily transition into what i actually want to talk about which is in the next post

so last time i posted was 9/12 2 months and 3 days ago wow school has been fucked more on that later but some mior unrelated events include: (unwillingly) winning best ortho shroud fan again woooo 🎉 satrted a myfigurecollection dot net page, GOT 100 FOLLOWERS THANX SO MUCH, i cut my hair, got new epic headphones, started a death note franchise rewatch and first time watch and read for many things read the entire manga for the first time watched the 2006 movie series for the first time read another note la bb murder cases watched the musical and started the tv drama and L became another one of my depression mascots specifically representing my anxiety and yea those are some misc events follow my instagram @ monsieurdoll for epic swag daily

so back to what i came here today for honestly i find it sad that i only post here for terrible mental health stuff but oh wellllll anyways so at the start of the year my classes where, in chronilogical order, english, math, mandarin 3, ap computer science, dance, and history and since then ive switched out of dance and into regular PE because i could not fucking handle it i was dealing with horrible anxiety because i cant improv at all i dont have the reaction time or anything and i started crying once during class. another problem popped up in english due to a girl that i sat next to. im quiet and dont really talk or speak out much which is teriibl;e when youre in a table group of 4 and the girl that sat next to me hated me one time our teacher passed out our folders and they were on my desk so after a few seconds i reach for mine since it was on the top and she immediately grabs the rest of them and says "so youre just not gonna pass them out fucking stupid" and another day were doing shitty vocabulary games and its on one chromebook and i cant really see well and im just quiet anyways so im not really talking and started saying mean things and kibnd of pressuring me and i ended up tearing up and cryign

so skip a few days ive been absent from school because of pain issues and its the weekend on sunday ooouhhhh sunday shit happened. i was so scarered to go to school because of dance and that girl and also i just didint liek most of my classes and all of that combined consumed me with fear and my thought pattern didnt help so on monday i stayed home. i talked about it with my mom and that was nice and the next day i went back to school, i switched out of dance, that girl stopped talkign to me so my life has genuinely good since been my anxeity hasnt been an issue, ive gotten better at calming myself down and yea so thats how ive been ig !!!!!!!

ouuuuhhgh i still dont know how to properly blog post but i hope you enjoyed this weeeee heres a pic of my new headsphoens (with my epic skeleton gloves of course)


issues and no longer being "normal" 9/12/23

⚠ warning: suicide and self harm

hey.. am i really that weird .? at what point does soemthing stop being normal exactly. evryone struggles with something but at what point do are they considered to be not normal or average or have something wrong. all of this to ask., am i still normal? and do i need help?

how did you like the intro was it cool wold you give me an A+ on an english assignment hehe anyways tomarrow is my first reeal therapy session and to prepare for that and help me out ive decided to write a cohesive summery of my many issues that started coming together in late may of this year. because around that time was when i realized and accepted exactly what was wrong and that I had to stop it before i did the inevitable.

in late may of this year 2023 i had started suspected things based on my behavior, how when i felt bad i'd imagine senarios of me in pain ora pitiful situation. feeling bad varried from incredibly small and trivial things that only effected me like making a typo to making a post thaat i didn't really like. the point is that in everyday scenarios for the tiniest things i felt horrible and imagined things like that, its how when you dont want to go to school you hope you break your leg or get into an accident except for me it wasn't just because of school it was everything.

it wasnt until may 16th that my growing suspicion on the matter were confirmed and i realized i was at serious risk of harming myself one day. on may 16th my math teacher did something stupid and i wont explain it but at the end of class while i was walkign away from the class i said a mean thing about him within potential ear shot and at the time i didnt feel too bad but for the rest of the day i started feelign worse and worse. when i feel bad about something i feel really bad. when i got home after a while i started crying. i didnt even know if he heard me or not but i felt so bad and terrified to go to class the next day. i wantd to rip myself apart due to the regret. more accurately i wanted to be ripped apart. i decied to send my teacher an email saying that i apprichiate his work so i did but i still felt terrible. in the morning right before i left i got my orange scissors rthat were on my desk and pressed it into my hand. luckily the scissors are too dull to do anything without actual effort so i lost interest and left for school.

everything went fine in the end and i dont think my teacher even heard what i said lmao but it goes to show how extremely bad i felt over something, even if its something i didnt even know if it had effected anyone. after that day i knew that self harm was inevitable, that if something sharper had been next to me i wouldve bled. but the way my brain worked didnt change. i still wished for bad things to happen to me. so i wanted to get btter and i wanted things to change. it was also around that time i started confronting other issues in my life

i think I'll save this one thing for another blog post but i wasnt taking anything regarding my mental health seriously because i didnt know what to do with it. i just joked about it and used it for conversation starters. but i started to feel bad about it like i shouldnt complaid about it if im just talking about it liek its a fun character trait now. the things that have permanitly effected my life and that hurt me, i felt liek i didnt have the righjt to feel bad about them if i was treatibng them like that so i wanted that to change as well and i wanted to start taking them seriously. i wanted to come to terms with the fact that what happened is the reason i am what i'm like today. a shell of the person i once was and more importantly a shell of the person i couldve been.

so around that time with me almost stabbing my hand and me realizng how bad things were AND the help of a very special yaoi visual novel i officially began doing something which resulted in my first real vent and step towards getting better, posted on may 22th 2023 on my instagram stories. WAIT DRAMATICAL MURDER you might be wondering what does that have to do with anything and ooouuhh boy oh boy here we fucking go im gonna have to explain all of this to my therapist btw hope you guys know taht

watching clear's route i realized.. hey i wear a mask too... everyday ive been wearing a mask even if the peak of covid danger had somewhat passed. not because i was still cautious, but because i couldnt take it off even if i tried.

here is technically my first vent in the late may to sumer period i kinda dont consider it my first REAL real vent because that hsppens just a few hours later actually but writing that and playing clears route made me realize or not exactly realize because ive already known but fully kinda confirm that middle school might have ruined my life. which got me thinking about something again, something that had so many connotations that i couldnt handle accepting. and then, just a few hours after the first vent, i posted this one.

you can read it yourself and i think im still planning on making another post abnout it but in summery or tldr, up until a year prior i had forgotten the fact i had attemopted suicide at an extremely young age and because i didnt know what to do with that information i joked about it sometimes to my friends, told it to my clubmates, because to me it just existed. what was i supposed to do with it exactly? up until now it was gone but know its a part of me. and thats where dramatical murde really comes in.

idk if this needs a reminder but all of this is happening at around the same time as in late may 2023 like me realizing stuff and its when i first got into dmmd liek i said idk if its confusing um anyways it was during ren's route an daobas ascending th tower yknow fighting off sly and remembering all the lore but more importantly remebering suppressed childhood memories due to trauma. it made me think... he did it too. repressed tauma isnt a dmmd only thing of course its in liek everything ever but it made me think tht we werent so different, because we werent.

which brings me to the question i asked at the start of this post. am i still "normal"? afer thinking about it. no, i wasn't. something i so often see as plot devices in fiction happened to me and it didnt feel like it was actually actual. most of my life i always second guessed my self and told myself my problems arent that serious. but if i share a trait with AOBA SERAGAKI of all characters, can i really say that it isnt?

and thats what lead me to make my first real real offical vent on may 22th 2023 and started my jorney to improve my mental health, seek help, and try to fix reclaim and come to terms with what i had lost in my life. theres still more A LOT more actually that was only may 16th - may 22th i still have the rest of summer to cover as well as my cataclysmic downfall in june but a lot of that can be saved for another time weehee. also by "normal" its not like mental illness isnt mormal i was just trying to paint a picture of how i viewed myself and how up until then i didnt think my problems were serious enough. if you read this hope you enjoyed ig? lmao shenzi out

met my therapist!! 9/7/23

2 days ago i met my first therapist ooooooo this kinda needs liek months worth of context and me lore to explain evrything so i'll just talk about some things i guess idk if i'll eventually make a post giving full context or maybe i'll just archive the important summer story posts for context idk anyways

while talking to my therapist my mom said that i always have a blank expression on my face and i didn't look like myself and when she looked in my eyes i wasnt there. she mentioned there wasnt any light in my eyes before but i didn't think it was that bad gawd damn!

i started crying halfway thru the intake meeting hearing my mom describe my depression throughout my life from when i was 5 to recently durring the uh oh..... actually do i need to call it the uh oh here? ok so context the "uh oh" is what i like to call the events of june 18th 2023 and is refering to the entire day but also me s-hing in order to avoid constant tws so when i say something like "doing the uh oh made me feel empty" you know what im talking about. ok back to what i was talking about hearing her describe her perspective but also just hearing my mental health talked about just made me start tearing up and ig its the first time ive heard it talked about irl seriously like evr?? im not exactly friends with my irl friends because they're supportive and it was only until late may of this year when i started taking it seriously myself so yea pretty wack

i dont really know how talk therapy will go and what it will do for me. ofc im hoping that it will improve my life but also idk how yet bbut im looking forward to finding out hmm maybe next post i'll talk about me lore and stuff it would also be a nice guide to have for future therapy sessions since im better at talking about something out load if its written down anyways until then shenzi out ☆

(archive) summer 2023 retrospective opriginally written 8/15/23, archived on 9/2/23

shenzi summer surprise 2023: good but then bad empty but then feel the movie
uhmmm erm tehe not my best summer ESPECIALLY compared to last year gawd damn
do i regret everything sometimes i still wonder what it wouldve been like if i didn't uh ou and my mental health got better and i was getting better but idk
i dont really have that many thoughts on the uh oh at this point i dont not think about it wish it didn't happen i haven't forgotten it rn it just happened and ive accepted it if that makes sense i really dont think anything or anyone was at fault or blame it on myswlf or anyone else it just happened and im fine with that and accept it ive made peace
could of done a lot more in terms of twsts makes me sad i posted so little drawings and twst stories
ok dramatical murder time i cant like pretend its not important to me as both an interest and a thing that helped but also resulted in bad and i dont think theres much to say or really much that i can say about it its a fucked up yaoi game about mind bullshit that made me think that maybe i could get better
so what can i take from all this idk theres still much more to say but tldr it was unsatisfying wasteful empty terrible crushing embarrassing time that i can do anything but accept and live with. dmmd is game that makes me feel all of those things as a result of liking it but also its dmmd and its confusing and its weird but its mine

original story post:

first post woah 9/1/23

finally created my blog slash diary YAYAYAYYAY here ill post whatever and maybe archive some of my instagram stories