me? 12/31/23

im very introverted dont talk much, rarely talk at all much outside of my friend group. when im in class it brings me fear, uncomfort, and sadness when i have to talk to others because i simply wont do it. some people say its because of anxiety that im scared people will judge me for not talking when its already been proven to be true. they think im weird and unhelpful. same with my facial expression i dont express much and also im one of the only people at school who still wears a mask which doesnt help. they think i dont care because of the blank expression on my face but i do i just dont show it. my face is tired, my sunken eyes are devoid of light and my dark circles look skull like, sometimes my mom says i have a resting sad face when im just neutral. my hair is in locs and is short but my bangs cover my eyes and add a dark shadow to my already shadowy face, my locs are a bit messy and need to be retwisted but i like how they are length and style wise anyways.

i wear mostly all black if not other shades of gray and monotone i love skeleton and skull patterns and look forward to wearing my studded belts even if my double zip hoodies cover them up. my favorite shirts are death note related and my favorite pants are flared with zippers on the back of the bottom of the legs. my mask that i wear at school isnt something i really like too much its hard having to make sure my face is concealed at all times especially in front of my friends but its become apart of me now and it wont come off until i graduate. i don't wear it everywhere tho just at school or with friends. ig it could be considered part of my outfit since for me its a necessary as pants.

recently ive brought my headphones to school with me so i could listen to goatbed as well as other songs that i like. theyre big, chunky, and black (i made sure to cover any of the red bits with black sharpie) and i totally didnt get this specific pair to look similar to the ones aoba seragaki has. however when i listen to music at school i stop breathing and have no way of fixing it so i will have to stop listening to music there meaning i will also stop bringing my headphones because im so scared of damaging them. when i did put them on tho i hope i looked cool because i love headphones so much and to wear those ones was my dream.

when im at home im at my desk watching something or playing something, most likely both at the same time. i play twisted wonderland on my pc and am a proud ignihyde lover and collecter as i have every ortho card and every idia card except for 1 (his first birthday card story for another day). i call myself a gamer to chanel the ignihyde spirit but should probably play more. i love pirating and playing games on emulators its my favorite activity. i would like to at least sit outside a bit again but its gotten cold so i dont. i do like going outside to look at gardens i hate running into peacocks on the way to school but seeing them walk through a field is nice they sound like cats. i dont like people coming into my house i dont let my fiends in and whenever someone comes over i run and hide in my room or run out of view and hide until i can escape.

i dont think of myself as a main character not in a self centered way but in the way where my life story is that of a side character and my role in life is to be that side character in someone else's life. either by being a no face npc at school, a friend, or an artist online. providing entertainment online or being someone people find off putting irl is my job so i dont really care for how others perceive me since it doesnt really have anything to do with myself. but detaching myself from identity can be equally as harmful as being too dependant on it so this here is who i am. its the end of the year and ive managed to figure it out. i like skeletons, i love blue, i love studded belts, i love technology, im shy, i dont talk, i have anxiety issues, i've had issues with depression and have issues with self harm, i also really enjoy talking about all of it on neocities and also being monsieurdoll. happy new year and new yuri weeee a lot happened in 2023 bad things happened and earlier in the year i thought it was just a bad overall year but when i look back on it this year was really good too and im glad it happened im glad i got dramatical and went through my death note anxiety crisis and so much more because im able to be here now with more experiences under my skull checkered studded belt. shenzi out ☆

waaaaah 👎🏽👎🏽12/31/23

a few days ago my friend came over to my house without explicitly saying she would and it made me so uncomfortable that the next day i was paranoid and uneasy. She cazme over with a holiday gift and since i wasnt prepared i told her to leave it on the porch and so she did and picked it up after she left. felt uneasy because 1) felt bad about not accepting it at the door and 2) because im not comfortable with her showing up to my house like that it troubles me for multiple reasons my, for lack of a better term, ignicell introverted self cannot deal with yea getting off topic thats not what i want to talk about today

so i feel a certain way about that friend because ive known her since middle school and to be brief my firends during middle school are like the main source for some of the many problems i face today and write about on my blog most of which i havent even began to cover so i dont really feel for her the way people usually feel about their firends. im still firends with most of my firends since middle school (most bc soem went to differetn high schools) but theyve grown up since then. this friend whicvh ive been talkign about doesnt seem to understand what kind of friends we are. this friend seems to want a genuine friendship and cares for me a lot more than i care for her. not to say that i hate her or were not friends but we arent that kind of friends and will never be because i dont think she understands how much middle school impacted me. and also bc we were never those kind of friens in middle school none of us were lmao.

my main point is i just feel sorry for her because she cares a lot more about me than i do her and theres not much i can really do. she gets on my nerves a lot but i try not to say or do anything that would upset her because shes insecure about some things and shes a nice girl and tries her best but yea theres a lot of things. so i felt bad about not answering the door when she went through the trouble of comign to my house to deliver a gift because i dont feel comfortable with her doing that, both the gift and showing up at my house it scares me. theres not much ou can do when someone cares about you because its not my fault they care sm but also my responsibility i guess. if i sound like an asshole thats comepletly understandable and im fine with that its just how i feel and i didnt go into full detail because its like 5 years worth of context that i dont have th energy or even the words to describe atm but it doiesnt matter since this is a vent anyways and feelings are fine. also maybe i just dont feel that much for people when i think about it thats how ive been for a while since elementary school oh well tis unfortunate.

MERRY YAOIMAS!! 12/25/23

happy holidays yippee!!!!! todays i'll be talking about what i got yayayy

first off some general update stuff fully made a themed homescreen based on ren who couldve guessed, also changed my desk top and fucked around with windows media player hashtag aesthetic,

moved a couch into my room and binged all of utena on it in 2 days, finished watching the death note tv drama and then watched new generation and light up the new world (worst title ever), GOT A SKULL STUDDED BELT HOLY SHIT, i rewatched an anime that has haunted me for 2 years.... visual prison. god.. and made peace with it in the endand other stuff of course but now onto the real shit

late november i decided i wanted to comit. i knew in my heart it was time and what i need to do.... i needed...... a ren figure....!.!!! ren has become one of the most import thingsg in my life and so i determined that he was worth getting a figure for so i found a lisdting for one and asked my aunt to get him for me. now my aunt is an anime fan so the posibility of her knowing what dmmd was was there but i didnt think too much about it shes like 60+ and maybe she hadn't heard of it so i send her the link and wait until the next day (she picks me up from school) to ask if she saw what i sent and she said she had and had ordered it and i was like"yay awesomw sauce" then she says she "likes that series" and she "owns a couple of nendroids" from it. ,..,/][]=-../,.%$%#Y^$%%@#^ well cant say i was too shocked what a magical yaoimas mericle anyways its christmas now and HES HERE pics at the end💙💙💙💙💙💙💙 twst stuff some of the things i asked for havebnt arrived yet because i asked late and japan shipping but today my momm actually surprised me with twst stuff she got me a poster, a blanket, a notebook, and the heartslabyul manga she knows how much twst means to me and i know how much thought she put into it i love her sm 😭😭💙💙 as for the ones that have yet to arrive? heh. lets just say that they dont call me the ultimate ignihyde connoisseur for nothing..... and thats pretty much it for today i'll probably edit this post when the other ones arrive but yea thanx for reading and enjoy these pics

GOATBED AGAIN11/17/23

once again writing this at 6 am before school and yesterday i found GBunof an unofficial goatbed website with a lot of good shit and info that i will be looking into relentlessly anyways while looking reltentlessly i click on fandeath which i belive one the most recent albums from goatbed and was looking at the track list and it said "#11 Based on the BGM track of - append music re:cord - #04 (BGM #02)" so i go to #11 and its called "DAMNED THING IN THE RAIN" so i click and go "ooo i wonder- WAIT APEND MUSIC RECORD THASTS FUCKING RE:CODE TAYHTD FUCKLSJIN G TRACL 04 TYHATS FUCINGG ZAP MUSICC 2 THATS FUCKING" and by the time i realize this im 18 seconds into the video and i hear the first few notes to zap music #2 and if youve seen my morphine mini blog you know how insaen i am over it its literally one of the best and mopst interesting soulful idk track of dmmd its litterally the reason i decided to download and replay morphine just so i could know when its used and so i paused the video. immediately climbed out of bed ran around the house making coffee turning on my pc all with a huge smile on my face. to come down and write this. right now we are transitioning from a point of past tense now we are in a state of innocence from this point on it will be my live reaction ......,.,.;..!!!!!!!!!


0.18 ok back to the point i was when i paused and had to pause again IM SO FYUCKING EXCITED YOU DONT KN WO WHAT ZAP MUSIC 2 DOES TO ME MY HEART CANT TAKE IT THE INTESNITY I FEEL RN....!!!! I LITERASLLY HAD TO PAUSE AGAIN FUUUCKCKKC ok lets continue we can do this 1.01 FIRST LYRICS i need to stop puasing and just watch im sorry 2.11 CHNAGE THERES WAS A CHANGE i'll literally fuckinfg kill myseklf its so good ill kill myself right now OH MYFUCKING GOD WHEN THE ZAP MUSIC CAME BACK I AUYDIBLY GASPED AND CHOKED ABIT FUCK FUCK FUCK HELP M E HELP ME SOMEONE HEKLP I CANT TAKE THIS ILL LIOTERALLY EXP{LODE HAD TO PAUISE AGAIN AND I FERA UIF I UNM PAUSE ILL DIE OF ARTISTIC MASTERY FUICK ouh my god the way it was aligned with the beatdrop its so. ouh. fuck.

post damned in the rain shenzi here ouh fuck i.OUGH i need to listen to it in hd and i need the lyrics and i need everything holy shit im so morphine brained god
ok lsietening to hd HOLY SHIT OH MYGOD GYYYYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA UUAGHH AUAGBH UUEEGHGEGHEGH OOUHGH MY GOD WHEN THE BEAT CHANGEs ITS SO COOL ITS SO COOL I LOVBE TEH SYNTH PARTS AND THE ZAP MUSIC AND THE ORCHESTRAL BITS AND THE GOATBED CLAPPING SOUND EFFERCT AND GYYYAYAYAYAYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA GYAAA AA FUCK HOLY SHIT FUCK THE BEAT DROP IS SO GOPOD WITH THE LYRICS is he saying "feel like dancing" or "free life dancing" idk ITS SO GOOD i hope i can fine the lyrics one day oooouuuuH
OK FOUND TEH LYRICS IT WAS "FEEL LIKE A DAMNED THING" GYYYUUUUOOOOOOOOOUUUUHH hhehehegheheheehehehhhe uuuughh uuhhuhhhhuuuuuuuuu heheehe hgrhjgd hhehehe i love it so much i love the lyrics so much tehyre so heheh
ok let me actually try to form a coherent thought its so goiod zap music always had a peaceful calm yet inclredibly somber and sorrowful tone to it and the rain is the perfect thing top express taht uuuuuu
and wait is that just me or is there the sound of DIGGING in the background what

alright to finish off this post that ive been writing forlike 30 minutes its so good and i love it because iots so and teh and gopatbed and zap music and guh yea bye

goatbed!! 11/16/23

as apart of my life getting better ovwr the past 2 weeks ive, for the first time in years, had warm coffee in the morning instead of an excessively big cup of iced coffee ooo drinking it rn at 6:38 am as i type this hate how fast it gets cold tho

for my first non mental health related post i will talk about goatbed yippee!!!!!!!!!!!! ive always wanted to go through goatbeds entire discography since i got into dmmd the bgm but ESPECIALLY rens songs the openings and virus and trips songs made me go insane like when i get my YouTube music recap (i dont use Spotify sigh) the most listened to song will be deslash guaranteed

so i watched the death despair hell speed temperature and gyaaaa 💥💥💥💥
t-b-p-t, like, who dunnit how dunnit why dunnit(first song on my home oage music player ) is a reused? recycled? repurposed? i dk t know which came first dmmd or this song but it was in dmmd as bgm as that one fucking song in oval tower anyways twas a banger

continued watching anf got to manish fiend and a minute or so in i hear "lady a fine edge walking on the highway" and go HOLY SHIT MASCULINE DEVIL MENTION another reused repurposed idk song that was in dmmd omg my favorite!!!!! this is different because those other to reused dmmd songs were bgm while this is a remix of a song with lyrics and it's so good i like how different it sounds while there still being remnants of masculine devil in there besides just the lyrics

so more recently like a few days ago i was listening to manish fiend and decided to look up what "manish" meant because i didnt know by the sound of it i just thought it meant bad like malicious or manic because "ma" is like bad so j look it up and nothing comes up and i realize. HE JUST NAMED IT MASCULINE DEVIL AGAIN MANISH ISN'T A WORD ITS "MAN-ISH" AKA MAN LIKE AKA MASCULINE HE JUST CHOSE THE FUCKING SYNONYMS uh anyways who up feeling fiendishly manish tonight 🌹❤️ anyways omg that part in like the last chorus? idk music terminology but yea when its the masculine devil part and goes "stop and wink for a-" *pause* "WOOOOOOOOOAAAHHH, wooahahh.. send wooordddddd..... WOOOOAH, waaaoh.. embelish naked word" it so good it fucks so hard i love this slight change because its just been that bit in masculine devil and stops at "stop and wink for a moment" instead of going into the "woah woah send woerd" like in the orginal and it skips a bit and oouuhgh how does a person concoct maculine devil/manish fiend its impossible

also a few days ago i listened to the optimist sees the doughnut the pessimist sees the hole for the first time and ouhmygod banger i immediately added it to the music player and yknow whats crazy theres 2 of them in the same album with the same title and theyre NEARLY the exact same song just nearly with very subtle differences both are bangers tho

uuhhh 11/15/23

ok so this was originally meant for that last post but i just kept typing more and more and didnt want it to get too long and it just got off topic BUT MAINLY because this post will be a discussion of my experiences relating to self harm and its more than just a brief mention so i wanted to put it by itself. proceed with caution and don't forget to have fun

Open

so basically long story short i think about hurting myself or getting into terrible accidents etc when i feel bad and so that combined with the fear on sunday october 15th caused me to self harm for the second time ever and for the first time in 4 months. but this time it was different aside from it being out of anxiety instead of sadness it felt. good. not because it gave me a break from my anxiety. but because it felt good physically. it didnt feel like that last time so what happened i wondered. i started breathing heavily and cutted quicker and feverishly all over my arm and by the end of it it literally looked like it had been through a shredder the cuts started overlapping with each other until the back of my forearm was completely covered in them. after around an hour of this i fell back onto my bed (was sitting crisscross ap[ple sauce) and laid there for a while thinking about it. it wasnt just the cutting it was the pain itself too and i didnt know what to do with this new information

so uh.......is this normal... obviously not lmao but i dont know i dont really know where to look for stuff like this and im too embarrassed to task about it with my friends, my mom, my therapist, my instagram stories etc and uuh yea sorry if this is too much i just i dont really know where else to talk about it. i dont want to talk to my irl friends about it at all actually becasue one of them sent me an annoying ass tiktok song about self harm liek. HUH ! annyyywayssssss

its just weird yknow like when it sall around you like you see things about people gaining pleasure from pain everywhere in games shows etc so you dont really know how to react when it applies to you i guess. things like blood and gore those things are commonly used to represent love and other things like that. im literally listening to feel your noise as i type this and that song along with noiz dmmd's bad end is full of cuts and pain as a form of love so what am i supposed to do with this. i could just put a character liek towa slow damage on my kin list and call it a day like a normal kinstagramer but why. aside from me being too embarrassed to do so i just dont want it to be like that i dont want this part of me to be treated as a joke or something unimportant and i. cant bring myself to say i want it to stop. i was about to say i want it to be serious, an issue that i want to fix, i dont want this to be how i cope and yet i know thats a lie. the unfortunate part of being mentally ill is, of course, being mentally ill. of course i dont want to stop!! in the back of my mind, not even in the back, in the front is me wanting to do it again me wanting to just do that instead like whats wrong with enjoying myself? other people do things that bring them relief so why shouldnt i? and i know i dont want it to stop BECAUSE YOU KNOW WHAT? I DID IT AGAIN!!!! LITERALLY A WEEK LATER I DID IT AGAIN BECAUSE I WANTED TO FEEL IT AGAIN!!!!!! and its scary why does it have to be sexual thats literally a death sentence like god lmao sorry i just dont know. when your own mind genuinely wants something you yourself genuinely wants something its just. i dont want this to be the only way i cope i dont see it happening again soon but its there i can feel the desire to do it again there and i will one day

anyways i say all of this because i thougth it would be funny if i added sly blue to my mind orb i already have sei and ren who i use to cope with things and it would be funny i could just go "RESTRAINT!!!!! KILL THIS LOSER FOR ME!!!!" whenever i feel like cutting haha even now im not taking it seriously lmao sigh again sorry for all this ON THE BRIGHT SIDE if youre ever feeling bad about yourself just remember you'll always be better than me hehe uhm hope you enjoyed ?? idk i hope you found some type of enjoyment from this whether it be from morbid curiosity or a look into a different perspective shenziiiii oouuuttt

life update weee !! 11/15/23

long time no fucking blog post literally forcing myself to write this turned on my blog writing song (feel your noise) lmao not really but kinda i just dont really have anthing to write which is a lie i do but nothing really to write for this blog. i have my instagram stories which ive been using to talk about things vents etc but anyways hiiiiiiiii heres some life updates which is actually very good because it would let me easily transition into what i actually want to talk about which is in the next post

so last time i posted was 9/12 2 months and 3 days ago wow school has been fucked more on that later but some mior unrelated events include: (unwillingly) winning best ortho shroud fan again woooo 🎉 satrted a myfigurecollection dot net page, GOT 100 FOLLOWERS THANX SO MUCH, i cut my hair, got new epic headphones, started a death note franchise rewatch and first time watch and read for many things read the entire manga for the first time watched the 2006 movie series for the first time read another note la bb murder cases watched the musical and started the tv drama and L became another one of my depression mascots specifically representing my anxiety and yea those are some misc events follow my instagram @ monsieurdoll for epic swag daily

so back to what i came here today for honestly i find it sad that i only post here for terrible mental health stuff but oh wellllll anyways so at the start of the year my classes where, in chronilogical order, english, math, mandarin 3, ap computer science, dance, and history and since then ive switched out of dance and into regular PE because i could not fucking handle it i was dealing with horrible anxiety because i cant improv at all i dont have the reaction time or anything and i started crying once during class. another problem popped up in english due to a girl that i sat next to. im quiet and dont really talk or speak out much which is teriibl;e when youre in a table group of 4 and the girl that sat next to me hated me one time our teacher passed out our folders and they were on my desk so after a few seconds i reach for mine since it was on the top and she immediately grabs the rest of them and says "so youre just not gonna pass them out fucking stupid" and another day were doing shitty vocabulary games and its on one chromebook and i cant really see well and im just quiet anyways so im not really talking and started saying mean things and kibnd of pressuring me and i ended up tearing up and cryign

so skip a few days ive been absent from school because of pain issues and its the weekend on sunday ooouhhhh sunday shit happened. i was so scarered to go to school because of dance and that girl and also i just didint liek most of my classes and all of that combined consumed me with fear and my thought pattern didnt help so on monday i stayed home. i talked about it with my mom and that was nice and the next day i went back to school, i switched out of dance, that girl stopped talkign to me so my life has genuinely good since been my anxeity hasnt been an issue, ive gotten better at calming myself down and yea so thats how ive been ig !!!!!!!

ouuuuhhgh i still dont know how to properly blog post but i hope you enjoyed this weeeee heres a pic of my new headsphoens (with my epic skeleton gloves of course)

issues and no longer being "normal" 9/12/23

hey.. am i really that weird .? at what point does soemthing stop being normal exactly. evryone struggles with something but at what point do are they considered to be not normal or average or have something wrong. all of this to ask., am i still normal? and do i need help?

how did you like the intro was it cool wold you give me an A+ on an english assignment hehe anyways tomarrow is my first reeal therapy session and to prepare for that and help me out ive decided to write a cohesive summery of my many issues that started coming together in late may of this year. because around that time was when i realized and accepted exactly what was wrong and that I had to stop it before i did the inevitable.

in late may of this year 2023 i had started suspected things based on my behavior, how when i felt bad i'd imagine senarios of me in pain ora pitiful situation. feeling bad varried from incredibly small and trivial things that only effected me like making a typo to making a post thaat i didn't really like. the point is that in everyday scenarios for the tiniest things i felt horrible and imagined things like that, its how when you dont want to go to school you hope you break your leg or get into an accident except for me it wasn't just because of school it was everything.

it wasnt until may 16th that my growing suspicion on the matter were confirmed and i realized i was at serious risk of harming myself one day. on may 16th my math teacher did something stupid and i wont explain it but at the end of class while i was walkign away from the class i said a mean thing about him within potential ear shot and at the time i didnt feel too bad but for the rest of the day i started feelign worse and worse. when i feel bad about something i feel really bad. when i got home after a while i started crying. i didnt even know if he heard me or not but i felt so bad and terrified to go to class the next day. i wantd to rip myself apart due to the regret. more accurately i wanted to be ripped apart. i decied to send my teacher an email saying that i apprichiate his work so i did but i still felt terrible. in the morning right before i left i got my orange scissors rthat were on my desk and pressed it into my hand. luckily the scissors are too dull to do anything without actual effort so i lost interest and left for school.

everything went fine in the end and i dont think my teacher even heard what i said lmao but it goes to show how extremely bad i felt over something, even if its something i didnt even know if it had effected anyone. after that day i knew that self harm was inevitable, that if something sharper had been next to me i wouldve bled. but the way my brain worked didnt change. i still wished for bad things to happen to me. so i wanted to get btter and i wanted things to change. it was also around that time i started confronting other issues in my life

i think I'll save this one thing for another blog post but i wasnt taking anything regarding my mental health seriously because i didnt know what to do with it. i just joked about it and used it for conversation starters. but i started to feel bad about it like i shouldnt complaid about it if im just talking about it liek its a fun character trait now. the things that have permanitly effected my life and that hurt me, i felt liek i didnt have the righjt to feel bad about them if i was treatibng them like that so i wanted that to change as well and i wanted to start taking them seriously. i wanted to come to terms with the fact that what happened is the reason i am what i'm like today. a shell of the person i once was and more importantly a shell of the person i couldve been.

so around that time with me almost stabbing my hand and me realizng how bad things were AND the help of a very special yaoi visual novel i officially began doing something which resulted in my first real vent and step towards getting better, posted on may 22th 2023 on my instagram stories. WAIT DRAMATICAL MURDER you might be wondering what does that have to do with anything and ooouuhh boy oh boy here we fucking go im gonna have to explain all of this to my therapist btw hope you guys know taht

watching clear's route i realized.. hey i wear a mask too... everyday ive been wearing a mask even if the peak of covid danger had somewhat passed. not because i was still cautious, but because i couldnt take it off even if i tried.

here is technically my first vent in the late may to sumer period i kinda dont consider it my first REAL real vent because that hsppens just a few hours later actually but writing that and playing clears route made me realize or not exactly realize because ive already known but fully kinda confirm that middle school might have ruined my life. which got me thinking about something again, something that had so many connotations that i couldnt handle accepting. and then, just a few hours after the first vent, i posted this one.

you can read it yourself and i think im still planning on making another post abnout it but in summery or tldr, up until a year prior i had forgotten the fact i had attemopted suicide at an extremely young age and because i didnt know what to do with that information i joked about it sometimes to my friends, told it to my clubmates, because to me it just existed. what was i supposed to do with it exactly? up until now it was gone but know its a part of me. and thats where dramatical murde really comes in.

idk if this needs a reminder but all of this is happening at around the same time as in late may 2023 like me realizing stuff and its when i first got into dmmd liek i said idk if its confusing um anyways it was during ren's route an daobas ascending th tower yknow fighting off sly and remembering all the lore but more importantly remebering suppressed childhood memories due to trauma. it made me think... he did it too. repressed tauma isnt a dmmd only thing of course its in liek everything ever but it made me think tht we werent so different, because we werent.

which brings me to the question i asked at the start of this post. am i still "normal"? afer thinking about it. no, i wasn't. something i so often see as plot devices in fiction happened to me and it didnt feel like it was actually actual. most of my life i always second guessed my self and told myself my problems arent that serious. but if i share a trait with AOBA SERAGAKI of all characters, can i really say that it isnt?

and thats what lead me to make my first real real offical vent on may 22th 2023 and started my jorney to improve my mental health, seek help, and try to fix reclaim and come to terms with what i had lost in my life. theres still more A LOT more actually that was only may 16th - may 22th i still have the rest of summer to cover as well as my cataclysmic downfall in june but a lot of that can be saved for another time weehee. also by "normal" its not like mental illness isnt mormal i was just trying to paint a picture of how i viewed myself and how up until then i didnt think my problems were serious enough. if you read this hope you enjoyed ig? lmao shenzi out

met my therapist!! 9/7/23

2 days ago i met my first therapist ooooooo this kinda needs liek months worth of context and me lore to explain evrything so i'll just talk about some things i guess idk if i'll eventually make a post giving full context or maybe i'll just archive the important summer story posts for context idk anyways

while talking to my therapist my mom said that i always have a blank expression on my face and i didn't look like myself and when she looked in my eyes i wasnt there. she mentioned there wasnt any light in my eyes before but i didn't think it was that bad gawd damn!

i started crying halfway thru the intake meeting hearing my mom describe my depression throughout my life from when i was 5 to recently durring the uh oh..... actually do i need to call it the uh oh here? ok so context the "uh oh" is what i like to call the events of june 18th 2023 and is refering to the entire day but also me s-hing in order to avoid constant tws so when i say something like "doing the uh oh made me feel empty" you know what im talking about. ok back to what i was talking about hearing her describe her perspective but also just hearing my mental health talked about just made me start tearing up and ig its the first time ive heard it talked about irl seriously like evr?? im not exactly friends with my irl friends because they're supportive and it was only until late may of this year when i started taking it seriously myself so yea pretty wack

i dont really know how talk therapy will go and what it will do for me. ofc im hoping that it will improve my life but also idk how yet bbut im looking forward to finding out hmm maybe next post i'll talk about me lore and stuff it would also be a nice guide to have for future therapy sessions since im better at talking about something out load if its written down anyways until then shenzi out ☆

(archive) summer 2023 retrospective opriginally written 8/15/23, archived on 9/2/23

shenzi summer surprise 2023: good but then bad empty but then feel the movie
uhmmm erm tehe not my best summer ESPECIALLY compared to last year gawd damn
do i regret everything sometimes i still wonder what it wouldve been like if i didn't uh ou and my mental health got better and i was getting better but idk
i dont really have that many thoughts on the uh oh at this point i dont not think about it wish it didn't happen i haven't forgotten it rn it just happened and ive accepted it if that makes sense i really dont think anything or anyone was at fault or blame it on myswlf or anyone else it just happened and im fine with that and accept it ive made peace
could of done a lot more in terms of twsts makes me sad i posted so little drawings and twst stories
ok dramatical murder time i cant like pretend its not important to me as both an interest and a thing that helped but also resulted in bad and i dont think theres much to say or really much that i can say about it its a fucked up yaoi game about mind bullshit that made me think that maybe i could get better
so what can i take from all this idk theres still much more to say but tldr it was unsatisfying wasteful empty terrible crushing embarrassing time that i can do anything but accept and live with. dmmd is game that makes me feel all of those things as a result of liking it but also its dmmd and its confusing and its weird but its mine

original story post:

first post woah 9/1/23

finally created my blog slash diary YAYAYAYYAY here ill post whatever and maybe archive some of my instagram stories